Because I'm Unworthy and Bad. That's Why.

At our church before we partake in the Lord's Supper we have a bit of time for quiet reflection of our lives.

I love this time - time to just be quiet and think.

Time to think about my week, my life, my heart.

Time to ask myself,

Do I love God as I should?

Have I lived a life that pleased God this week?

Am I at peace with my fellow man?

Is my heart where it should be?

On some days {like today} I think regretfully over the week.

Sin stains it ugly.

Guilt plagues my heart.

I think of failures to be kind when I should have.

Words - self-centered ones - that I spoke hastily.

Pride wrapping it's tentacles around my heart for months, and I never saw it...

'Til this week when a lady asked me, "But why? Why do you want to do that?"

Welll... And then I caught a glimpse that made me recoil in horror. Why did I want to do that?

Was there any reason other than to impress people?

And other failures.

Annoyances.

Ugly sighs rising up in my heart, even though my Sovereign God was, as usual, on His Throne, ruling all things well in the world.

I stared at my fingers and thought of how unworthy I was.

I felt like a guilty child, wanting to slink away... away from the holiness of this moment ~

a remembrance of a spotless Lamb, of the Christ who always did His Father's will.

And then I remembered. This communion, this remembrance is because I'm bad.

This Holy Sacrifice was made because I AM a sinner, and not even just was a sinner. I am. Still.

Jesus, pleading before His Father on my behalf, not because I've been pleasing this week, but because I've fallen short of glorifying God with my life. That's why I need Him.

As a sinner, I reach forth my hands to take the dry bread, to sip the grape juice....

I do this because I'm not good and I need Jesus. Desperately. Every day.

I do this because GOD is good, and holy and just and perfect.

I do this because He invites me to leave my sin and guilt and start again in the Spirit.

To love, to rejoice, to give thanks, to live to His Glory.

I bow my head, and I partake ~ humbled.

A New Way to Live

A few months ago, I found the words of this hymn echoing through my heart day after day:

Fill thou my life, O Lord, my God

In every part with praise,

That my whole being may proclaim

Thy being and Thy ways;

Not for the lip of praise alone,

Nor e'en the praising heart

I ask, but for a life made up

Of praise in every part.

Praise in the common words I speak,

Life's common looks and tones,

In fellowship at hearth or board

With my beloved ones, -

Enduring wrong, reproach or loss

With sweet and steadfast will,

Loving and blessing those who hate,

Returning good for ill.

So shall each fear, each fret, each care,

Be turned into song,

And every winding of the way

The echo shall prolong;

So shall no part of day or night

From sacredness be free,

But all my life, in every step,

Be fellowship with Thee.

~ Horatius Bonar

While I washed dishes, while I drove to prenatals, while I waited for my flat tire to get fixed, while I was grocery shopping, while I was juicing fresh veggies for Mom, when the house was 100 degrees inside, while I was running, while I was cooking breakfast, while scrubbing out dirty produce buckets, as I drove away from births, those lines

I ask, but for a life made up

Of praise in every part.

clanged loudly, jarring me from the irritating, the tiring, the annoying, the mundane, even the wonderful that I reveled in. Praise in this.

Praise for all of the things that happened today that weren't supposed to. Praise in the midst of missing important deadlines because my brother was having problems and I had to occupy him. Praise while Mom feeling sick. {Wouldn't she rather hear me happily singing at the sink, anyway?}

Praise instead of sighing to myself when the floor was sticky and the oven wasn't working and my car was needing another repair.

Praise.

Praise.

Praise.

That could be my life. My life doesn't have to include silent sighs and groans to myself.

Praise. That can be my whole life. EVERY part.

It starts with calling someone to tell them that I will have to reschedule this afternoon's prenatal. {How unprofessional! a murmur rises up in me. I was late to their last appointment after having to borrow a car at the last minute. And now this! Undecided whether I should explain what's happening at my house and with my family, or leave them wondering if I'm unreliable, I hesitate. Then, one little word comes to mind: Praise. Praise in the common words I speak. That's your new way to live.}

A smile crosses my face. Yes, in this, too.

What good is praise if it's only during the times when anyone's heart would sing for joy?

Not just praise on my lips, or even just praise in my heart.

A LIFE made up of praise in every part.

I've met a few people whose whole life appears to be a praise song to their Maker.

They just live different than the rest of us fretting, whining people.

My Jesus deserves that from my life.

My rest-of-2011-resolution? To sing this song pretty much every day, and to live it every day.

That's why I leave the book open to hymn #42 in the kitchen window nearly every day.

Will you join me? :)

Grace Like.... Taco Salad

While I'm publishing stuff that's sat in draft form for way too long, here's another old post that I never published.

Re-reading it brought a smile to my face.

I hope it does the same for you. :)

Today's been quite a day. But it's been full of grace... grace I didn't deserve. Not only is God far kinder than I deserve, but so are people in my life!

Today really started with yesterday, when my car broke down as I was leaving an emergency ultrasound appointment with a client. The car started acting funny, then funnier, then downright scary when I managed to jerk into a nearby church parking lot before it totally stopped working. Dad and Sam were so kind to come to my rescue and bring me over to Mom and Dad's 31rst wedding anniversary celebration that I was missing!

Today, Abe loaded up the car and hauled it home. The days of the good old green car may be numbered. (I bought it less than a year ago.) It seems like the transmission AND an axle decided to have major problems at the same time. Oh yes... and the brakes. That's after the $500 repair on something else last month.

I do drive the poor thing a lot.

Anyway, my dad graciously agreed to let me use his car til we can fix mine (if it's worth doing that) or figure out a Plan B. So, he unloaded his tools from the work car this morning and handed me the keys.

My mother kindly made the seven trips from the house to the car loading all of my birth and prenatal bags, charts, oxygen tank and all of the other midwife supplies that have to accompany me everywhere I go. I was upstairs, replying to urgent legislative emails when she brought me a fresh fruit smoothie before I ran out the door. My mom doesn't have to be that nice. She just is.

I headed off to do prenatals, finding that this car has all of the quirks that Dad warned me about, plus a few other problems. But it runs, and it works in drive and reverse. I learned that the brakes work minimally and one should start braking a block away from the upcoming stop light. Thankfully, I learned that on a gravel road this morning when a large cow trailer stopped suddenly on the road in front of me and I slid gently into it, stomping hard on the brakes.

Dad's car looks so awful that it's almost hilarious! I definitely look like a charity case or a drug dealer (take your pick) pulling up at people's house.

So, away I went in my lovely car. I stopped by a former client's house to return some books she'd loaned me last fall. She looked soooo happy to see me, and scooped up her sweet little girl and put her in my arms. "Isn't she beautiful?! I've missed you!!!" and a hundred other things tumbled out of her mouth. The client who never chatted or said much beside the necessary stuff at prenatals. I thought she didn't particularly like me. Some days I wondered if she just wasn't the emotional or friendly type. But today, she almost cried that I had stopped to see her, and she had to show me all of her baby's pictures on her digital camera. I realized for the first time that she really did like me a lot, and she counted me among her good friends.

My happiness was short-lived though, when I arrived at my Amish client's house to find that she wasn't there. With no phone to call her and re-schedule, it could be tricky to catch her at home in the next couple days. So I wrote her a note and left it on the kitchen table.

I got a text from another client: "Did I have an appointment at your office at 10?"

I groaned. I must not have wrote her appointment down in my schedule book after we'd be emailing and she had rescheduled it... great. Now, she had driven a long way for her appointment, and had taken off work. This was just not .... good. She'd have to sit there all morning waiting for me to get there from Amish country and she needed to get back to work.

I thought fast and told her to go back to work and I'd make up by coming for an evening home visit. I knew she wasn't happy and I had just messed up her whole day. I apologized. She said it was okay, but I could hear in her voice that it wasn't okay. I felt horrible. But, there was nothing left to do... So, I went on with the day's errands and headed to the office.

One of my clients told me that she wanted me to keep the extra $200 that they'd paid me. Really?

Then I did initial visits for several new clients - and I love them!

And then regular prenatals. A baby that has been breech for awhile is now vertex! Grace.

Thank you, God.

And then I met my sister at the sonographer's for her ultrasound. Some of it looked better than we had hoped. Some looked a little concerning. Grace.

Then I rushed to the town where my client lives who'd come to the office in vain that morning. She invited me for a dinner of taco salad with her and her husband. A much better choice than fast food or the handful of almonds I still had in my car. Grace. I'd just missed her appointment this morning, and she had felt horrible the whole day, and the drive had made her feel worse... and yet, they served me taco salad with a smile. And we talked about her upcoming birth, and her mom, and her hopes and fears. Grace. Big grace.

And then I drove the old white boat of a car home, listening to the Ipod that another client gave me several years ago. And I thought about Grace...

Getting what I don't deserve. That's me. That's my life. That's my God!

On Singleness ~ All That Really Matters

My little sister, Joanna, in the hayfield

I wrote this blog post a few months ago, and then never posted it. Tonight, as I was looking through some of my old drafts that I never quite dared to hit "publish" on, I decided to go ahead. I hope it blesses someone. :)

Today's been a day of reflection. I spent most of it out in the sun, making a garden for a dear friend. I loved soaking up the sun, the wind, the fresh air, the dirt between my fingers, the little green leaves popping out of the tree branches above my head. We knelt beside the garden, pulled weeds, shook dirt out of clods of sod, and hauled buckets of compost. We talked about all the things we used to be... the innocent little girls we were who wanted to get married at eighteen.

The girls we are now. . .

She'd rather be playing with her baby and cleaning her house, she said. But instead she has to work. That wasn't the mommyhood she had planned for herself as a teenager.

As for me, nothing has turned out to be the way I thought it would be.

But my life isn't bad. It's just not what I wanted. Or what I thought I wanted.

I wanted to have a whole passel of kids by now.... a husband with the world to conquer and me behind him to help him do it.

But does it really matter? I have God.

Is God sovereign? Yes.

Does God love me? Yes.

Does God glorify Himself through our lives, rough and crooked though they are? Yes.

Is He glorified in me?

That I ask myself today.... Is He?

That's all that really matters.

If I am what God wants...

If I am the daughter He made for His own pleasure, may I bring Him pleasure.

May my life, "pleasing or painful, dark or bright, as best may seem to Thee..."

be a symphony of praise, a ray of God's glory, a beacon of the Hope that lies ahead.

May I care more if God is glorified through my life of aloneness than I care that I am alone.

May I care more if God is pleased, than if I am pleased with what He gave me.

May I be pleased with what He gave me.

"There failed not ought of any good thing which the Lord had spoken unto the house of Israel; all came to pass." Joshua 21:45

Because He Only Gives Love

I'm thinking it may be time to give up.

Give up, once and for all -

give up all the fears and all that weighs heavy.

Give up the worries - and "bend the knee and be small"

and let God give what God chooses to give --

because He only gives love.

~ Ann Voskamp

"The King's Heart Is Good!"

God's so good.

He's so good to me.

He keeps reminding me of that.

And He keeps reminding me that He really does have my best interest in mind.

All the time. In everything.

Yes. Somehow. Always.

Where Grace Is

Grace is found where there is brokenness.... mistakes;

through ugly things, through things swept away by others as useless and hopeless...

Grace is found in the One who justifies the ungodly at His own great cost.

Grace was most vividly illustrated when Jesus chose worthless, God-hating sinners

to make Holy and then called them His Friends. ♥

May I extend the same Grace ...

Midnight Reflections From the Yard

I arrived home late tonight to a lot of housework that really needed to be done. As I was scrubbing out and re-organizing the pantry that had dissolved into a messy pile of cans and leaking rice bags and dusty jars of home-canned tomatoes, I needed to carry several bags of trash outside as the clock neared midnight. I just had to pause in the quiet, dark yard.

It's gorgeous out tonight -- the moon is huge and luminescent, shimmering off the pond where Canadian geese will soon be making their home for winter. A few of the tallest trees have lost most of their leaves in the wind of today and yesterday, and their branches stood bare and starkly contrasted against the glowing sky. A breeze whipped my hair around my face, and I stood alive, well, and yes... happy, on the brink of another birthday. Because beyond that glowing sky is the Creator of it all. He's also the Lover of my Soul, the Pursuer of my heart, and His very Presence lives with and within me. He is good, and even when life holds pain and disappointment and often times empty aches, He is drawing my heart to Him - the most valuable thing in all the world and in this life and in the one to come. He is good. Unconditionally. Because I know that, I face another year with joy and peace, knowing that a Good God sees and does all things well.

Yesterday, God was very gracious to me; tomorrow he will be very gracious to me; and the same will be true the next day, and the next day, and the next day, until there shall be no more days, and time shall be swallowed up in eternity. - Unknown, from an old book clipping

An Unshakable God

"Faith is not believing in my own unshakable belief.
Faith is believing an unshakable God
when everything in me trembles and quakes."
-Beth Moore

Lord, Why Was I A Guest?

How sweet and awful is the place
With Christ within the doors,
While everlasting love displays
The choicest of her stores!

While all our hearts and all our songs
Join to admire the feast,
Each of us cry, with thankful tongues,
Lord, why was I a guest?

Why was I made to hear Thy voice,
And enter while there's room;
When thousands make a wretched choice,
And rather starve than come?

'Twas the same love that spread the feast
That sweetly forced us in
Else we had still refused to taste,
And perished in our sin.

Pity the nations, O our God!
Constrain the earth to come;
Send Thy victorious Word abroad,
And bring the strangers home.

We long to see Thy churches full,
That all the chosen race
May with one voice, and heart, and soul,
Sing Thy redeeming grace.

-- Isaac Watts

Send "How Sweet And Aweful Is The Place" ringtones to your Cell

The God Who Is Enough

This past month has brought many challenges, struggles and questions in my life, which I cannot detail on a public blog, some of which simply raged privately in my own heart.

Some of the situations were ones that I had never imagined having to deal with. But here I was - things, people, decisions, situations staring me in the face.

I have found myself in a place of desperation over and over, my heart pounding, my stomach in knot. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I fail? What if I respond wrongly to this situation? What if I mistake God's will? Have I got myself in this place because of my own selfish or prideful choices? What will God do with this situation? How? What if I have foolishly ruined my testimony?

Time and again I have found myself in a place where I didn't know what to do. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't even walk on till I knew which way to walk.

Time and again, I have cried out to God in desperation... for answers, solutions, wisdom.

And I have found in Him just what I need. I have watched him turn situations around that I thought only had a couple of bad options. Instead He came through with a glorious miracle. And I have stood back in utter amazement that God truly can create beauty from ashes, not only in my life and heart, but in those around me. I have been shocked to see the work of God in the hearts of people that seemed impossible to reach.

A few weeks ago, I was begging God to deal with a situation and give me answers. And it dawned on me, that God might fix it in a way that would be more painful that I would ever want to imagine. I finally came to a place of surrendering it to God, and asking him to fix it no matter what the cost. I thought of David's response in II Samuel Chapter 24 when God offered him a choice of three punishments for his disobedience in numbering the people of Israel. David asked God to choose, saying that he knew that God was merciful. I, too, chose to fall on God's mercy and asked him to resolve it however He must, only to show me what to do. And God solved the seemingly gigantic problem with such a simple and beautiful solution that I was stunned. Again, the goodness of God, evident in my life.

A couple days ago, I received a shocking and horrible phone call in a very public place. Once again, my stomach in a knot, fighting tears, I could do nothing but cry out silently to my Heavenly Father once again. He has been my Rock. He has been Enough all of my life. I felt anything but peace about what the future could bring. But as my wild emotions churned inside, God gently whispered, "Have you forgotten what I have done for you already this month? Can I not solve this as easily as the other problems you have faced?"

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Ps. 23: 1-3

Though cold, dark winds are blowing through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I fear no evil. I have never been in greener pastures than these. Never before have I seen my Shepherd's Hand on my life so keenly. I will walk on where He leads.

Whew! What a Week!

There's always some new challenge to face - just when I think I'm "done" and can "coast" for a little while! The past week has brought a whole assortment of new "stuff" to deal with.

Although I have had my moments of wondering how and why right now, I found a paragraph in one of my favorite devotional books, Streams in the Desert, that quickly checked my doubts and worries... Why do I go to God in desperation, hoping that He can help me just enough to survive today?!

God's ability to perform is beyond our prayers - even our greatest prayers! I have recently been thinking of some of the requests I have made of Him innumerable times in my prayers. And what have I requested? I have asked for a cupful, while He owns the entire ocean! I have asked for one simple ray of light, while He holds the sun! My best asking falls immeasurably short of my Father's ability to give, which is far beyond what we could ever ask.
--John Henry Jowett

By Thy Grace We Will!

Tonight I was fretting over all the evil in the world... how it seems that darkness seems to prevail on every hand.

The flesh prevails in my life, and that which I would not, that I do. Christians disappoint me every day. Families that I once looked up to, are breaking apart. People that I admired have fallen to making their lives worthless and wasted. Sin is everywhere. Rampant, the stench reaches it's ugly tentacles into our homes, our churches, our neighborhoods, our government.

On every hand, the foe we find
Drawn up in dread array...

Today as I drove to the Capitol, the bleak grey skies and my dirty, ice-caked windshield wipers reflected my mood. I contemplated all of the things likely to happen this week, and how I ought to respond. It seemed as if there was just too much to deal with, and it all became quickly overwhelming.

After a couple of hours of work in the Capitol, my whirling thoughts were put back on track when I joined one of the senators for a quick stroll over to an event that was going on. He was telling me about a huge disappointment he had in a couple of people who have supported him for years in his campaigns, and how he's fought for bills that he thought were the right thing (which these people always supported). Supporting these particular bills has not been a popular thing to do, and as a result, he has been marginalized and denied many things by the "powers that be." He was shaking his head and saying, "It's hard to believe that they'd just go turn their backs on me now after my long record of doing what was right over what was politically popular. I have given up many political possibilities, simply because I stand firm on that issue."

Then he smiled and said, "Just shows you that you can't put your trust in people. They WILL disappoint you. They will hurt you and malign you and leave you. I've learned that the only One I can and should trust is my Lord and Saviour. When your full confidence is there, it doesn't really matter what all the other people think or do to you."

His comments stabbed me with a pang of gratefulness that there are men like him in government, that there are some who are faithful and true to their Lord. I sighed a quick, "Thank you, Lord, for reminding me that evil has not won the final victory. YOU will!"

On my way back to our rental house near the Capitol, I stopped by Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of things. As I went through the aisle full of books, a stand titled, "Best-Sellers!" caught my eye. What, I wondered to myself, is America reading these days?

Of course, there were a few novels and biographies... and... Harry Potter. My heart sank again. Harry Potter is a best seller, after all this time? Well, of course, I should have known that. Our country is a mess.

Then a glimmer of hope - next to the Harry Potter book, were two different paperbacks - containing the story of William Wilburforce's life, the man who freed England's slaves... the friend of John Newton, author of Amazing Grace. Across their covers in large letters, "New York Times' Best Seller!"

Again, I felt humbled. Evil hadn't totally overcome good. Obviously, there was a lot of interest in this excellent story.

I thought of my friend, Christy's words from earlier today - "God's showing me that He doesn't need my help to fix the world, and that He is in control, even if I don't think He's acting fast enough or doing what I would do!"

I breathed a sigh of relief. It's not my responsibility to make sure that America reads good books, or to see that families stay together, or to make our government do what it ought to do.

It's my job to be faithful where God has put me, and to get up every morning and arm myself against the fleshly lusts that "war against my soul."

I shouldn't for one minute get up and forget that I have an enemy just over the hill who is eagerly preparing for battle with me this day. It's a scary thought when I think of the enemy I have to face and how many other soldiers have been wounded and fallen in battle...
It's scary till I remember how big my God is, and how he hangs the world on nothing. I can hang my life, my soul, my everything on His Word with full confidence!

See the mighty host advancing,
Satan leading on;
Mighty men around us falling,
Courage almost gone!

"Hold the fort, for I am coming,"
Jesus signals still;
Wave the answer back to heaven
"By Thy grace we will."

Fierce and long the battle rages,
But our help is near;
Onward comes our great Commander -
Cheer, my comrades, cheer!

"Hold the fort, for I am coming,"
Jesus signals still;
Wave the answer back to heaven
"By Thy grace we will."

-Phillip P. Bliss

If God's offended you...

Often times people you meet talk about how offended they are with the things God has done to them, the things other Christians have done to them, how hypocritical the church is, how they have been hurt, how bad things have come their way in life....
Their conclusion is always, "That's why I don't ___."
(Fill in the blank - believe in God, go to church, read the Bible, care about pleasing God...)

Rarely do people like this stop and think, "How have *I* offended GOD?"

That is the question.

Not, "How has God offended me?"

If God's offended you, you can shake your fist in his face today.
But just remember that He doesn't answer to you.
You will answer to HIM someday.

Why are Christians so afraid to step on toes with such a message?

When there's no right answer

Some days there are no good answers.

Some days there are no good choices.

Some day there are no obvious solutions to a problem....

Only ugly choices, bad decisions, and more
complicated situations to walk into.

In spite of all that, Habakkuk 3: 17-18 remains true...
Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet will I rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

Even when everything is falling apart, God is still good!