Sunday, January 22, 2012

Because I'm Unworthy and Bad. That's Why.



At our church before we partake in the Lord's Supper we have a bit of time for quiet reflection of our lives.
I love this time - time to just be quiet and think.
Time to think about my week, my life, my heart.

Time to ask myself,
Do I love God as I should?
Have I lived a life that pleased God this week?
Am I at peace with my fellow man?
Is my heart where it should be?

On some days {like today} I think regretfully over the week.

Sin stains it ugly.

Guilt plagues my heart.

I think of failures to be kind when I should have.
Words - self-centered ones - that I spoke hastily.

Pride wrapping it's tentacles around my heart for months, and I never saw it...
'Til this week when a lady asked me, "But why? Why do you want to do that?"
Welll... And then I caught a glimpse that made me recoil in horror. Why did I want to do that?
Was there any reason other than to impress people?

And other failures.
Annoyances.
Ugly sighs rising up in my heart, even though my Sovereign God was, as usual, on His Throne, ruling all things well in the world.

I stared at my fingers and thought of how unworthy I was.

I felt like a guilty child, wanting to slink away... away from the holiness of this moment ~
a remembrance of a spotless Lamb, of the Christ who always did His Father's will.

And then I remembered. This communion, this remembrance is because I'm bad.

This Holy Sacrifice was made because I AM a sinner, and not even just was a sinner. I am. Still.

Jesus, pleading before His Father on my behalf, not because I've been pleasing this week, but because I've fallen short of glorifying God with my life. That's why I need Him.

As a sinner, I reach forth my hands to take the dry bread, to sip the grape juice....

I do this because I'm not good and I need Jesus. Desperately. Every day.

I do this because GOD is good, and holy and just and perfect.

I do this because He invites me to leave my sin and guilt and start again in the Spirit.

To love, to rejoice, to give thanks, to live to His Glory.

I bow my head, and I partake ~ humbled.


13 comments:

Charles Van Gorkom said...

Amen, sister. You are one among the entire congregation of saints universal. We need this washing everyday. Thank-you for this post.

Kelline said...

I wish I had this in my life right now. I was so involved in my church and so pleased with my life in Christ. But then the traditions and the over-bearing religion began to oppress the joy that Christ had given me. I have since left that particular church in hopes of finding the place where the Holy Spirit is FREE to come and go and operate as He chooses. I have vowed to wait on the Lord. I haven't left my first love. I won't abandon my Lord as He won't abandon me. He deserves my devotion. I hope you'll say a prayer for me. I need His guidance and strength.

Chuck said...

The richness, depth and truth of communion and our need of its power is a revelation truth. Praise God for revealing it to your heart. Continue to seek Him with your whole heart.

thefisherlady said...

good post... I'm glad I came by!

Mom said...

Such incredibly negative thinking. God does not want us to dwell on our weaknesses. He wants to help make us strong. Yes, we should be humble and ask forgiveness and do all that we can to change our habits and way of thinking - through prayer, he will help us with this. We are to repent and do our best to overcome sin, but we are also meant to have joy and happiness and peace in the Lord. You can't be productive or do the Lord's work to your fullest potential if you are constantly berating yourself. I am positive this is not what God wants for us.

Seeking to follow said...

You've been a real encouragement to me, through this post and others. Thanks!

And that being the case, can you please go read this blog post? You are one of those I was referring to. :)

http://fromtherisingtothesettingofthesun.blogspot.com/2012/02/ive-realized.html

Vivian Masterson said...

How old are you? That was so beautiful. Thank you for reminding this 55 year old. The church we've attended in this new town is going to take communion every week. And after I've remembered all my short-comings I will do it in "Rememberance of" Him. It IS all about Him.

Britt said...

I came across your blog through the "next blog" through the navigation blog. I'm glad that I found your blog!! What a wonderful post! So many times I don't think "did I live a life that pleased God this week?" I often forget that I am a sinner and don't deserve God. Thank you for the reminder to get back on track and keep growing in my relationship with God!!

fly44d said...

Wow. You think you are unworthy in the eyes of a god that allows thousands of children to be killed with disease, murder, starvation and neglect? He is either unwilling or unable to prevent this and yet you desire his approval? What sense does this make? It only makes sense if your god is not real. A lie told to you to give you some false hope. If you are strong enough to do this, you are strong enough to shed this delusion and live in the real world where struggle is honorable, achievement is purpose, kindness is moral and faith is unnecessary. Open your eyes and leave this darkness behind.

Folky Dots said...

It is all about Christ. I am thankful that when I reflect on my own failings, sins, iniquity that I can remember this is why he died and that he died for ME. He ever lives to make intercession for ME. In the face of evil, opression, spiritual wickedness, Jesus loves ME.

Diane said...

There were times I did't take the Lords Supper because I had a lot on my heart. A pastor told me that as long as I asked God to forgive me before taking it each time it was OK.

RachelNatanelYaelle said...

I love this. Love it.

Anonymous said...

You have found the words that echo my soul, when I could not put it in words. Thank you for clarification. Thank you for letting God use you to point us to the cross where Jesus died. Our world is spiritually starving for lack of these great truths.