The Real Me

The real me is what is inside my heart,

not what I choose to carefully let out of my heart."

Hayley Novak

Christy - The Real One

Our dear, sweet friend, Carissa Grace got married yesterday. It was such a gorgeous day for her outdoor ceremony by the river! My sister, Ruth, was the photographer, and took some amazing pictures, but I'm not going to steal her thunder or her photos... :)

But I'll post one of my photos - Carissa's sister, Christy and I together after the wedding. :)


Christy has been a good friend of mine for many years, but she definitely grows dearer as the years go by! Christy is, of all of my friends on earth, the most honest and genuine person I know! I have so much to learn from her. She has no pretense or pretending to be somebody that she's not (as I tend so often to do). She's just herself, and she admits openly and freely when she needs prayer or has a bad attitude or is struggling. I tend to pull myself together in front of people and try to be the person they imagine me to be, whether or not I really am.

I think so often of Jesus - there was "no guile" found in Him - no "pretending" or "fakeness" or imitation of goodness that wasn't really there. What you saw was genuine goodness from deep in His very heart and soul.

May I be that way - genuinely good and kind and pure from the heart.
And when I'm not, may I not pretend that I am!

I love you, Christy! I hope to be a lot more like you someday when I grow up!

Ramblings Over Coffee

Liz with some of "her" little people...

Little people too young to do anything but just be themselves!

For once, I have more time than I have things to say here...



I'm sitting in Panera Bread, waiting for my doula client's labor to pick up enough for her to want anybody with her. I guess I could just go home, but that's a long way away if I have to turn around and come back soon. I ended up skipping out on a really fun family dinner at some friends' house tonight because I was told that I would be needed soon... Now I'm wishing I had gone to the dinner, because nothing has happened after all. Oh, well. Such is the wonderful life of anyone who works with pregnant women!



But while I sit here, I'm thinking of the many wonderful ways I've been blessed recently.

As I type, I'm using my "new" laptop. I'd been needing another one for quite awhile since my ancient laptop finally bit the dust and decided to entirely quit working. I really couldn't afford another one. But I really, really needed one. I smiled to myself and thought, "It wouldn't be hard for God to give me one, if He thinks I need it."

But as a few days went by, I wanted to DO something about... let somebody know that I was looking for one... You know, it didn't look like God was busy laptop shopping for me.

But I kept my mouth shut and prayed and waited. And two weeks later, the Lord provided one for me - better than I would have eventually bought myself, all at no cost to me! It seemed as though God was once again grinning and saying, "Prove Me now..."

*** *** ***

While I was sitting here, I got into a conversation with a friend on Facebook who was telling me about her sometimes uncomfortable social situation, dating a man from an impressive social circle. "All the other wives have it so together," she said. "Their lives seem so perfect."



It made me think of something another friend of mine said recently after moving to another state. She was lamenting the lack of friends to celebrate her birthday with. "It's not that I don't have friends here. It's that they are all fake." I asked her what she meant by that. She clarified, "Well, they just aren't real. Everybody has it together, and they all lead such fake lives. Maybe they aren't fake, but their lives are so fake." I've thought about what she said... a lot.



We all know that as much as people may look like it at times, they don't have it all together. Beneath the tinsel and glitter and merry laugh and impressive schedule, there are hurts and tears and frustrations and for some of them, the nagging question of why they even exist.



The more I get to know people, the more I realize that people are crying out for someone who is real. Christians and non-Christians. Smart people, simple people, pretty people, ugly people, slender people, fat people, talented people, people that lead boring lives, people that are in-between. Underneath our facades and smiles and "I'm fine's", we all long to just be real sometimes.



I'm learning more and more to value people who are real, even if real isn't impressive in some ways. It's just good and wholesome and lovable when people are honest. And I'm trying to learn to be more real. Sometimes I really can't explain everything in my life to them, but I can be real.




I remember going off to the Capitol so many early mornings when Mom would gently say, "Just be yourself, Mary. Don't try to impress anybody. Just be real. That's so much more valuable than being impressive."

At first, I would think, "Well, of course..." and then hustle on with my busy day. But as I spent more and more time in the world of politics and began to see that it is all one facade of very little substance and very few people who are real or honest, her words began to ring in my ears more and more every day.

I found myself walking down the halls, trying to lobby. But above the din one thought ran incessantly through my head. "Just be real. They are trying impress. You don't have to be fake. Just be your real self..."

It was some of the best advice Mom ever gave me when I was there, and it seems more true than ever today.

Just be real. Fake lives don't help anybody. People are drawn to real people. The truth is, none of us are real impressive. We're most impressive when we tell the truth about ourselves.

*** *** ***

I think I'll go home now... and hope I get some sleep before my cell phone rings again. :) Or that the call comes before I get all the way home...

Authenticity and Soul-Nakedness

"In a culture that esteems bearing a bit of leg, some skin, much cleavage, the naked truth is we shun nudity.

I’m not referring to taut leather, flabby flesh, tanned figures—that’s epidermis. But I speak of genuine nakedness, stark bareness: soul exposure.

The curve of our struggles, the paleness of our dreams, the unflattering roll of our insecurities. Stripped exposure terrifies.

The wrinkled smallness of our own souls mortifies and we scramble for a fig leaf to cover the twistedness of our being.

We cling to masks.

Tight and itchy, they protect us, these societal shrouds. Some wear toupees of toughness, others pull on girdles of levity. Or facades of flawlessness, pretenses of perfectionism, screens of superiority...."

Read the rest of Ann Voskamp's excellent post here.

A Politician's Soul

Since entering the world of politics several years ago, I have become every increasingly aware of finding the lack of something that I treasure greatly...

Honesty.

Sure. Everybody talks about politicians and how you can't believe anything they say.
There are plenty of jokes. I thought I'd heard them all.

But on those days where it was really just me and them, it grew glaringly obvious.

When a friend of mine decided to run for public office, she privately told me, "You know, I've become a different person since I started campaigning. I no longer just say what I really believe and think. I screen it to make it what this person wants to hear. I hardly know who I am anymore, because I'm saying stuff that really isn't me or anything I care about."

Or as I overheard a conversation between two good friends in the Capitol one afternoon:
Person 1: "Did you really mean that?!"
Person 2: (hushed tones) "Of course, I didn't mean any of that. You can ask me about anything I say inside this building as soon as we walk out tonight and I'll tell you if I meant any of it."

Or, as another high-ranking politician who is currently campaigning across our state for statewide office so aptly put it to a colleague (who asked if he could actually deliver on a big promise): "Sometimes you just have to tell people whatever they want to hear, even if you know it's not true."

That same person is someone I once thought to be fairly truthful and ethical. Many, many events showed me not only is he not truthful, but he's a natural at lying through his teeth.

He and I have had a number of uncomfortable conversations over the past year, as I have called him out on several things that he has done. My illusion of him as a "good guy" was shattered long ago, but it's hard to know what to say to my friends who don't know otherwise. It's hard to know what to say to him when approaches me.

I want to be honest and frank with him and tell him exactly what I think of his actions behind the scenes, rather than being a smiling, hand-shaking fake. But something holds me back.

Is it the fact that he is one of the highest governmental officials and one of the most powerful people in our state? Or is it the fact that so many people have warned me not to become his enemy "because he could do a lot to hurt you"? Or is it because I believe that he already knows in his heart of hearts what kind of a person he is and my saying something wouldn't do any good?

These are questions that I have pondered for months. I wrote him a long letter, but then I never mailed it. I still look at it often and wonder if I should revise it and just put it in the mail. Then other days, when I hear something about him through the rumor mill, I am grateful that I haven't sent it yet.

He called me again just last week. At first, when I saw it was him calling, I ignored the call, because I didn't feel prepared to talk with him after all that had transpired between us in recent months. But I answered when he called back later, wanting to know what I thought of him and who I was supporting in the election. I gave him a lot of vague answers, and told him that I didn't know who to trust anymore.

I acted like a politician. I wish I could have just been honest. But I don't think it would have been wise to make him mad by speaking the full truth, and neither does any other wise person that I've asked.

I know some people hate him for his deceitfulness and back-stabbing, but I don't at all. His ways are nauseating, but I wish I could respect him, believe him, trust him, as he again begged me to last week.

I feel compassion for him, knowing that his life is one of pretense and a thick crust that few can penetrate. His friends are probably, as my friend said the other day, "A bunch of fake people like him."

I remember a conversation with him a couple of years ago. I was talking to him about where he went to church. After telling me where, he chuckled and said, "But don't think I go there for any significant reason. Its just more like a community function and a tradition...not because it means anything to me!"

I have to wonder, does he ever think like the Psalmist, "No man cared for my soul?"
Does he wonder if anyone would even care about him if he wasn't powerful and influential? Does he ever wish he could just be real and leave these uncomfortable robes of pretense off? Does he ever wish that he could stop making speeches about things he doesn't mean?

I want the opportunity to appeal to him as someone who genuinely cares about him and his soul. He knows that if anyone knows some of the rotten things he's done, I do. He says that he cares greatly about what I think about him. I don't know if that's true at all or not. But, on some level maybe he wishes someone would just be honest with him. Maybe he wishes someone would just tell him that he can stop pretending and admit that he needs a Source of Truth that is bigger than himself.
I'm sure he's sick of being a smiling, hand-shaking fake.

Maybe he isn't sick enough of himself to repent - to quit - to walk the other direction, straight to the Cross of forgiveness. But maybe he is.

My prayer is that he will find himself sick of the ugliness of his deceitful heart and that he will want something genuinely good - the God of Heaven and Eternity - in his life.

If you think of him, will you join me in praying for his soul?

Year in Review, Part 9

Real, Genuine Honesty in the Face of Insincerity

Magnolias in bloom on the Missouri Capitol lawn

I scribbled my thoughts on a scrap of paper and tucked in in my lobbying folder one afternoon at the Capitol last April. Reading it again today, my thoughts seemed so very relevant as I continue to encounter more and more of exactly what I wrote about. So, I'll share it below. And, yes, this has been my life for the past year! (I have left out names of particular legislators to protect their identities.)


It has been hard to go from my life of interacting mostly with my family and friends who are "just like me" to a life of interacting constantly with legislators, staff, and the public.

It's so easy to become superficial in this world... simply use people for what you need them for; then move on. It's easy not to take the time to just stop and love then and care about them. The Capitol is full of insincere people slapping each other on the back and oozing with flattery. It has been everywhere for the last couple of years that I've been there, and I've been well aware of it. But I had never fully felt the ugliness of insincerity till last week. Last week, it seemed to ooze from every pore in the granite walls and coat the marble steps. It seemed that everywhere I turned, there was another insincere smile from someone seeking their own interests.

I couldn't get away from it. I finally went outside and slumped on a bench under one of the magnolias and cried, "Oh, God! Am I becoming as insincere as the rest of the building? Am I genuine, honest, and real? Or am I just another smiling, hand-shaking fake? Do I really love anybody here? Do I really care about them?"

I thought about all of the forced smiles and pleasant comments that I had put on that very morning with the senators who hate my bill. Inwardly, I wanted to scream when I said "thank you" to the Floor Leader's office, but I didn't. I smiled, nodded, and acted grateful even though I was furious about what he was really doing behind the scenes. I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere to tell him what I thought of his actions, so I didn't.

I thought about the committee chairman who I had run into in the hall that morning. He told me that he had done what I had asked him to do - kill a bad bill coming through his committee. He grinned and said, "You owe me big, girl!" I had nodded, still shocked that he had actually done what I asked him to. I had stammered, "Yeah, I - I sure do!" That was genuine. I should have been shouting for joy over this improvement; but I only wanted to cry. I blamed it on the four hours of sleep a night that I was running on; the stress overload. I had barely been able to eat my lunch as I was still reeling from a horrible confrontation with a very angry senator. I still couldn't understand why she was so upset, and particularly at me!

And... oh, yes. I hadn't followed up with a thank you note to the Governor's office for the meeting we had on Wednesday. I was planning to write a gushy thank you letter. But, maybe, I decided... a simple, very genuine thank you would be more... more... the kind of person I wanted to be -- real and genuine. I decided to be real. Mom would be happy. She's always telling me to just simply be myself and not worry about impressing people when I'm worried about how I will come across at an important meeting.

Out the bench, the magnolia petals were dropping and being trampled by the hundreds of people strolling past each day. I cried out for a humble heart, a genuine love for lost people, and simple honesty. That sounded better to me than ___'s Rolex watches, french cuffs, and gold tie clasps. It sounded better than ___'s back slapping, flirting, and wining and dining anyone who he wanted to use. It sounded real. It sounded simple, and just plain good.

I smiled through my tears and went back inside to go to work with an honest heart and a genuine smile. My cell phone buzzed. It was one of the senators with some good news. Another real person, who's honest, who's always told me the truth, even if I didn't want to hear it.
His honesty was a breath of fresh air to my asphyxiating soul, choking on the fumes of a disingenuous Capitol world.

"Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully..." Ps. 24: 3,4

"He that walketh righteously, and speaketh uprightly; he that despiseth the gain of oppressions, that shaketh his hands from the holding of bribes, that stoppeth his ears from hearing of blood, and shutteth his eyes from seeing evil; He shall dwell on high.." Isaiah 33:15, 16

Above: The Missouri Senate in session ~ 2007

Above: Allison, Elizabeth, Mary - reading bills, and figuring out what to do next!

Above: It's been a long morning at the Capitol. Debbie, Keith, Mary over lunch

Pouring over amendments...