Thursday, May 19, 2011
Because God Knew
There's nothing quite like the moments when God shows you why He did something.
I've had a lot of those moments in the past three days.
Matter of fact, in the last three days, I've welled up with gratefulness on different occasions for every single really hard thing that happened to me in the past year.
Really? All of it? Everything? Genuinely grateful?
On Monday, I was dealing with a client and suddenly I was so grateful for what God has taught me over the past year through one of my sibling's major struggles that has affected our whole family hugely. My heart filled with compassion for this girl and the struggles she's gone through. Knowing her issues made me realize how big and scary her problems could become in pregnancy. Normally, I would be hesitant to work with a client who would be unpredictable and volatile and potentially extremely difficult to work with. But, instead... I understood. I knew what to expect. I wanted to love THIS girl and give her a chance. I thanked God that I felt compassion for her because I've watched my own sibling struggle through the same issues.
I had this strange sense of gladness that I knew and I understood and I cared deeply. I would have tried to know and understand and care in the past, but I couldn't have. Because I really didn't know. I do now. Without even thinking, I breathed a little thank you to God that I was no longer another one of those people who really didn't and couldn't understand this. I breathed a thank you that I DO understand it now.
Monday night I received a phone call from a crying mommy. As I calmly told her what to do, step-by-step, I remembered a frantic evening last winter when the same thing that had happened to her baby had happened to me. I had made some frantic middle-of-the-night calls to experts who had given me wonderful advice. I passed the advice that had worked so well for me on to the mommy and thought, "For the first time ever, I'm so glad that happened to me last winter!" I never thought I'd know why that happened. Suddenly, I imagined all of the many times I may be so grateful for that knowledge over the course of my life. And I only have it because I lived it. Thank you, God!
So, I was grateful for those things.
But something else that happened last year? I have managed to thank God for it many times because through the hurt and disappointment and bitterness of the whole situation, God plowed up the "fallow ground" of my heart and dug deep into my soul. I've thanked Him for using it in my life to make me grow; to take away the stagnant places. But, ever had a just deep grateful, from the bottom of my heart, "You knew what you were doing, God!" well up in me before? No.
Today I did. Someone I love deeply is in almost the same exact situation. Except, well a few things are different, in a not-good way. I wanted to tell those dear people what I was thinking and hope they'd listen. But I knew I would be dismissed as not understanding. Or would I?
I actually know exactly what is being felt and thought. I can speak to the heart-wrenching hurt because I lived it. I can. I can.
Because God knew what He was doing in my life last year.
My mom, the dearest person on earth to me, was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer at the beginning of April. She was given a year to live. Now, of course, only God knows our days and the time that she has. But, there are days when the possibility of her soon being gone - my mommy - forever gone from earth and my life - are just too much. It seems a little surreal.... surely that's not really going to happen... now? My mother... never see me get married? My mom never be the person I can call when I'm a mom who needs advice...? Really??
On days when I want to run away and cry instead of go to the next prenatal or just pretend it isn't true, I am stilled to remember that
God has known what He was doing every day of the good life that He has given me.
God knows what He is doing with every day of my life that stretches out into the future.