Words You Can't Utter

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart

that you can't utter.

- James Earl

Those Wonderful Ladies

A year ago, I so desperately wanted just one good, committed apprentice who I could count on.

I'm now blessed... almost a little too abundantly with wonderful ladies and assistants who work with me and are just too good to me!

This lady practically came out of nowhere... a hospital midwife who decided she wanted to learn the homebirth side of things. She knows so much that I don't know and I know so much that she doesn't know in totally different realms. We're so good for each other. I'm always saying, "Well, what would you do about this in the hospital?" and she's always saying, "What do you do about this at home?" I rely on her experience and knowledge and she on mine. I love working with her!

I have this fabulous apprentice who had me over for dinner the other night. She's been working with me for over a year now, and I LOVE her! Her husband wasn't always completely thrilled with the time demands of midwifery, but now he's pushing her to do more! Sometimes I worry that she'll get tired of me and my practice and move on somewhere else. The other day she told me her plan is to make herself so helpful that I can't live without her ever again! (Gulp! She's already done that well!) And, as if I didn't already find myself almost lost without her at a birth, she handed me this box of amazing French truffles the other day. I can't wait to sign all of her preceptor paperwork and see her become a CPM someday!

Another wanna-be apprentice who has done her very best to make herself as helpful as possible has absolutely amazed me! In two days time she has almost completely re-designed and updated all of my charts with as many edits as I have asked for. All with a smile and a, "Just call me if I can ever go to a birth with you!" She accompanied me for two prenatal home visits this week, and we had such a lovely time chatting. She asks questions and soaks up my constant birth talk on our drives! The more I hang out with her, the more I like her. I just don't know how on earth I'm going to come up with enough births for all of these lovely ladies to attend!

Another apprentice who is almost done with her training (she did all of her clinicals at a birth center) is available at my beck and call to cover whenever I'm stretched too thin. She jumped in her car and started driving the five hours to a client's house without a moment's hesitation when I called her on the weekend when I thought two people might be in labor at once. Turns out, she arrived and the mom wasn't in labor after all. She said, in her usual cheerful, perky voice, "Oh, no worries! I brought a book to read. I'll find something to do over the weekend and stay in town 'til our scheduled prenatals on Monday. But then I called her the next morning and asked her to instead rush to another client's house who was having some pretty major bleeding in her second trimester. I was at a labor, so she relayed everything over the phone and we made a plan for the mom. It took up her whole day, and then she showed up smiling and cheerful for prenatals the next day, even though I was late leaving the birth and she had to entertain clients til I arrived at the office. And then she cleaned up the office and carried out my laundry and trash and drove the four hours home to wait til I called her again. She acts like every day of prenatals is as exciting as Christmas!

And that's not all... There's three other fabulous ladies who want to help. I'm really a little overwhelmed with it all! I just hope I can impart to them what they really need to know as midwives. I feel like such a baby myself at this....

But I'm blessed, really, really blessed.

Thank you, Lord!

People I Can Tell "the Sad" To...

I was sitting at one of the tables with a dear, dear friend. I've known her for a long time. But I've come to love her even so much more in the last year as we've went through some of the same struggles together.

People all around us were chattering, laughing, catching up with old friends, meeting new ones. Both my friend and I knew quite a few of the people milling about the room. So, we leaned close and she lowered her voice. She was telling me about her day, her week.. the real one. Not the, "Oh, I'm fine" one. It had been emotional, draining, exhausting. Things had happened at work. Almost the same thing that had happened to me two years ago at my work. The medical field is hard... sometimes hard things happen. Then she'd seen someone she had loved and lost. It was awkward. It was hard, she explained. I nodded. Totally understand the feeling of tears welling up, things you wanted to say and yet didn't or couldn't, biting your lip, leaving... wishing that somehow that chapter of your life could have gone on, wishing you could forget it, wishing it wasn't, wishing it still was... Suddenly, I was lost in her world, feeling the pain of what had happened at work, what had happened at the Christmas party...

She apologized for only having negative things to talk about. "But that was your life this week," I insisted. "I wanted to hear about your real life... what's really happening! I didn't want to hear about the pretend life where everything is fine with you."

She might have thought it was depressing, but it reminded me that someone else walking the road of life has had the same experiences as I have. And if I told her about what happened to me at work two years ago, she'd really, truly understand. She'd grasp the enormity with which it left me reeling and unsure of myself for a long time.... I loved just knowing that somebody in the world would understand if I explained. Maybe I'll tell her about it someday. There's not many other people that would know what to say.

The other day one of my friends sent me a email, telling me her problems and how everything in her life seemed to be falling apart right now. How to hold it together, how to go on being a Christian, being a wife, being a mom, doing the additional things that she and her husband are sure God has called them to do, being so much else that she is.... that was the big, unanswered question. How? It wasn't working for her. She couldn't go on living this way. She was feeling suffocated and like few people even cared if it happened to her. She ended her message with, "I'm sorry this is all sad. But thanks for being a real friend that I can tell the sad to... I don't tell many people."

I've had plenty of the "the sad" this year. In several completely different areas of life. I can relate to the "I don't tell many people." Who is there to tell? About some of it ~ sure. But other things few people can relate to or need to know.

I certainly don't want to depress the rest of the world with the sad. Who wants to know while they're in labor or nursing their 3 day old baby that their midwife's life has been awful this week? Or sweet little girls that come up to me after church and hug me and ask me how I am... Of course I'm "doing good" ~ because God is always good. Is there any reason to try to explain to them why I tried not to cry through church, even though I almost never cry... before this year? I can smile. I will smile. I will go on living life and being grateful, because there are far more things to be happy about than there are things to be sad about.

Then there were other friends that I tried to explain some of "the sad" to, and the responses I received felt anything but compassionate or understanding. Sometimes that was good for me... to remember that regardless of how I feel or who has any idea of what "I need" or what a wreck my heart may be at that moment, my actions and responses must be out of love, not ungrateful reactions because all I was seeking was to have my own needs met.

And then there was the friend who said, "Let's go to the park. I'll bring a whole box of Kleenex and let's just sit there all afternoon. You can tell me the whole story."

Or the friend who texted me nearly every day for months on end to say, "How's your heart today, Mary?" and sent me cards. I knew she hurt with me. Because she was hurting in the same way herself. And I got to text her every day, too, and say, "How's yours? God is still good!"

And the midwife who I didn't know even knew what all was going on in my life and family who handed me a little envelope one day after a midwives meeting. When I had a chance to open it and look at the little piece of folded paper, torn out of one of her notebooks, it read, "Mary, it's well past 2 am, and I just can't stop thinking of you... I have no idea why your life had to hurt so much in so many ways this year. But I love you, and I cry for you and I pray for you..." I had no idea she even knew all of it. She must have known more than I thought she did. I cried and stuck the little note in my purse. And I found it the other day and stared at it with tears welling up in my eyes all over again to know that she knew and she cared.

And today. I stumbled across someone's Picasa album of photos online. I spent way too long looking, and remembering. Thinking about it consumed the rest of my day. 'Twas one of those things that very few people would understand. But God does.

And I talked to my little sister and she told me about her own heartaches while she washed dishes and I made cinnamon rolls tonight.

Cinnamon rolls because tomorrow another sister is coming over for brunch. Because tomorrow (well, I guess today now... I'm typing this well after midnight) was the due date for the first niece and grandchild in the family. A due date for a little girl who was already born months ago. All the traces left are the little metal marker pushed into the pile of clay and sod at the graveyard down the road and a few blankets and clothes we dressed her in after she was gone. Christine. She would have been being born, a chubby 7 or 8 pounds right about now. Our baby girl, just in time for Christmas. But she came in August. We're glad she came at all. We're glad Josh and Jemima had a little girl and that she still lives... in heaven!

And I think about my friend's email, "I don't tell many people the sad. Thanks for listening." I haven't had a chance to reply yet. But I'm glad she can tell me the sad. Because I do feel for her, and I pray for her.

And I'm glad I have a few friends who I can tell the sad to, who don't try to make it all better. They just put their arm around me and sit there with me.

And I'm glad I have sisters who say, "I'm glad we can talk to each other, even if nobody outside of our family would even understand this."

And I'm glad I have a mother who senses when I come home from a long day of prenatals with so much more than prenatals on my mind and says, "I found this verse today that I thought was just for you: 'O the depth of the riches of both the wisdom and knowlege of God! How unsearchable are His judgements and His ways past finding out.' " (Romans 11:33) Yes, Mama... You're right. God is wise, and He's always right. I can trust Him.

And I'm glad I have a dad who calls me when I have a long drive home just to see if I'm staying awake and to say, "Drive safe! I love you!"

And I'm glad I have a brother who's had his own share of struggles this year who comes home once in awhile and says, "I know it's midnight, but ya wanna walk a few miles and talk?"

And I'm glad for the other people in my life who care and hurt and pray with me. And people who love me enough to tell me when my responses to what life brings aren't Christ-like.

Most of all, I'm glad that Jesus knows and interceeds on my behalf before the Throne of Grace. Somedays even the nicest and best people in the world don't understand or they don't know and it wouldn't be right to burden their day with my heartaches.

But God wants to hear them from me. Psalms is mostly the troubled heart of David being poured out honestly before God - exalting God rightfully, but not hiding his hurt and confusion and longings.

It's not like God doesn't already know every thought on my mind. It's just that He wants ME to remember that HE is the Source of my life and HE is the reason I get up and go on and again and again and HE is bright Hope for the future! He waits for me to come tell Him about my joys and sorrows.

He delights to show me that He loves me by sending little boys with smushed fistfuls of weeds to my car with adoring little sisters by their sides who say, "Miss Mary, you look lobely today!" when I show up to do a home prenatal visit.

Or when I catch a snatch of the song my sister is singing at the kitchen sink: "ALL I have needed, Thy Hand hath provided... GREAT is Thy Faithfulness, Lord, unto ME!!" Or when I dig through my pile of mail (bills) and discover a card from a dear friend telling me she's praying for me.

Christy - The Real One

Our dear, sweet friend, Carissa Grace got married yesterday. It was such a gorgeous day for her outdoor ceremony by the river! My sister, Ruth, was the photographer, and took some amazing pictures, but I'm not going to steal her thunder or her photos... :)

But I'll post one of my photos - Carissa's sister, Christy and I together after the wedding. :)


Christy has been a good friend of mine for many years, but she definitely grows dearer as the years go by! Christy is, of all of my friends on earth, the most honest and genuine person I know! I have so much to learn from her. She has no pretense or pretending to be somebody that she's not (as I tend so often to do). She's just herself, and she admits openly and freely when she needs prayer or has a bad attitude or is struggling. I tend to pull myself together in front of people and try to be the person they imagine me to be, whether or not I really am.

I think so often of Jesus - there was "no guile" found in Him - no "pretending" or "fakeness" or imitation of goodness that wasn't really there. What you saw was genuine goodness from deep in His very heart and soul.

May I be that way - genuinely good and kind and pure from the heart.
And when I'm not, may I not pretend that I am!

I love you, Christy! I hope to be a lot more like you someday when I grow up!

A Summer Party - in Pictures!

Our family started a tradition several years ago - hosting an annual New Year's Eve party at our house. It's not always on that evening, but sometime in January we invite dozens and dozens of young people over for an evening party. We play games and talk and eat and catch up on each others' lives. We make it our goal to make it more than a party. We want people to go away having done more than just play games and laugh (though we also make it a goal to make it one of the funnest parties they've ever attended!). We want them to go away spiritually encouraged and challenged. So, we try to have a mix of fun and seriousness. We try to keep the topics of discussion and games intriguing and interesting. And you know what, people seem to like it... a lot! At least, they usually come back, and many of them drive several hours to come. Maybe they're just trying to be nice to us. :)

We had so many requests for another party after our January one that we decided to do a summer party as well. It was great, other than being a warm, sticky day in June. Since we don't have air-conditioning and the people would have been pretty tightly packed in our rather small house, we decided to do nearly everything on the lawn. All in all, it was a great evening!

Chatting on the lawn... waiting for games to begin.

Supper was buffet-style inside, but everyone came back out to the lawn to eat.

After-dinner conversation

The challenge was for each team to tape "their" person more securely to the side of the shed, using only a roll of duct tape. Above: the girls are unrolling and tearing tape as quickly as possible!

Almost ready to see if he'll really stay up there.
He didn't - he fell down as soon as we pulled the bucket out from under his feet!

But Donnie stayed on the wall for almost a full minute!
His team must have placed their tape more strategically!

Everyone was hot and sweaty...
Why not bring out the water balloons?

Trying to make it through the gauntlet dry.... not a chance!

Quick! Quick! More water balloons needed!

*****************

Then the real fun begins...
We try to do new and original games at every party, but this one (How Well Can You Think Together?) was such a hit several years ago, that we decided enough time had elapsed and we'd do it again, with a new twist to it. :) We split the young people into four teams, trying to divide them up equally between ages, introverts and extroverts, etc.

Above: A panel of judges was chosen - some parents and a couple of the guys who like this kind of thing (i.e. Joshua the law student). It was up to them to judge each part of the game. The first part involved a series of questions that had to be answered on paper in 3-6 minutes each by each team. Each team received the same question at the same time. It was then up to the teams to run to their own little corner and corporately think and write fast and rush the answer back to the judges.

Team Four - What should you do about your church if is falling apart because of a general spirit of pride, selfishness and gossip? Explain in 5 minutes...

Deliberating on who wrote the most complete, accurate, creative and helpful answer.
We wait to hear the verdict!

Team Two thinking fast: Question: Explain in less than 5 minutes why Amendment 2 was adopted by the majority of Missouri voters in 2006 and what it does to change our constitution and laws that are made today.

After the time limit expired, the teams raced their answers back to the judges who had four minutes to decide on the best answer and the second-best answer.
Teams scored points for each winning answer.


Part II -

The next part of the game was the debate.
Each team chose one team member to compete in a mini-debate.
Each of the four selected had one minute to make a convincing argument for whatever topic the judges assigned to them. In this case, it was health food and spending a lot of time on a healthy lifestyle. Two were told to argue in favor, and two against. Each of the four separately presented their case, then the judges voted for the two best cases made.

The two who the judges chose then debated one another - once again on the health food topic. This time they (Rob - left and Erik - right) had to switch sides and argue for the other.

Rob argued for living your life enjoyably, not wasting time on health food crazes or worrying about a "few extra pounds, since you can't take them to heaven with you anyway.."

Erik argued for healthy living, citing God's reasons for giving healthful Old Testament laws of eating and living... and told Rob that he should take note that God didn't put a McDonalds in the Garden of Eden.

Rob ultimately won the debate (though the judges had a hard time deciding once again), laughing off the notion that McDonalds argument was a valid point. As Rob said, "Who says McDonalds is the pinacle of enjoyment, anyway, for those who live to enjoy life? Maybe I like fruit or chocolate!"

The rest of us gathered to listen to the debate - it was hilarious - some of the best entertainment of the evening as twilight settled over the yard.

Part III

Each team was given a 10 pound bag of ice to melt without using a stove. Matches, candles, small lighters and other creative methods were allowed. All the water from the ice had to be saved. The team to melt theirs first received more points toward the total winning score.

Creative methods = why not try the muffler? It actually worked pretty well!

Or simply try body heat...
Can anybody say C-O-L-D after rubbing all those ice cubes in their hands?!

After the ice had been melted using hot water, salt, hands, mufflers, motors, candles, matches, standing in the bathtub with the ice, everyone filed inside for the ice cream feeding contest.
Yes, you read that right. It was ice cream feeding, not just ice cream eating!

Each person chooses a partner and they are both blindfolded, sitting opposite each other.

Each team of two is handed one cup of ice cream with two spoons in it. The goal is to finish the cup of ice cream before any of the other teams. There are only a couple of rules:
1. You may not put any ice cream in your own mouth, only your partner's mouth.
2. It may not be fed with hands, it must be fed with the spoon!

Dad and Mom decided to get in on the fun!

Ice cream feeding over... time to relax, visit and unwind!

There are ALWAYS some people who want to play spoons til well past midnight!

Abby and Sarah decided that we had to see "Meet Captain Ahab." Unfortunately, most of their "victims" weren't drama queens so it wasn't as funny as usual, they said.

Late night chatting, laughing, stories....

Sad goodbyes.... but we had so much fun!

The Threesome at the Capitol

Halley in one of the giant urns behind the Governor's portico

Mary in the Governor's garden

Sarah in the Governor's garden

As the years have passed at the Capitol, I have wanted to quit lobbying for midwifery in Missouri and move on with my life. I complained to a friend one day, "My idea was not to be 60 and still running around as a lobbyist! This was so not what I planned to do with my life!"
And yet, there was something that needed to be done, and someone needed to do it.
So, I went back, year after year.

I would come home at the end of session and tell my family that "next year will be different... I won't be at the Capitol all the time..." But the replacement I prayed for didn't appear. So I kept going back. That is till this year.

When session ended in 2008, I knew that I had to get away from the Capitol for a good long time to maintain my sanity, my heart, my vision, my morality. I vowed not to be there full time in 2009, and I meant it completely. But I had no idea who would be there to keep tabs on things and make sure that the law we had worked so long to pass wasn't instantly repealed...

The Lord provided in such an amazing way that I was shocked...
"If God should open the windows of heaven, might this thing be?"
Yes.

My replacement came in the form of two very dear friends, Halley and Sarah.
They have been there day in and day out this year and I have only occasionally popped in for a few days when something more than usual was going on.

Last week was the last week of the 2009 legislative session. I spent part of it at the Capitol with Sarah and Halley, so thankful that they were shouldering the work and I was just tagging along!
On Thursday afternoon, we left the building for a couple of hours while the Senate went into recess and had a lot of fun posing for pictures all around the Capitol.

Thank you, Sarah and Halley!

Wading in the fountain in front of the Capitol.
The sign didn't say, "Don't wade in the fountains";
it only said, "Please don't step on the tulips..."
So, we pulled off our pumps and pantyhose and went wading!

The door at the top of the front Capitol steps
leading to the third floor rotunda must be about 20 feet high.
Here, we do a symbolic pose: "Free the midwives!" :)

The Capitol as it overlooks the Missouri River.
The Governor's office is located inside the high arched windows on the second floor.

The Capitol from the front...

Day is done... Caucusing in our favorite office hang-out.
The Representative who resides in this office went home hours ago.
But for us, there's still the House and Senate Journal
and various bills to finish reading,
strategy to figure out, and plans to make for tomorrow...


Thank you to my sister, Ruth, for spending her day chasing us with the camera! :)

A House Full of Girls

I don't know why our house always seems to be filled with girls. But it has... for years. We seem to attract them. We like them, we have them over, we let them visit here, even live here. It's been a haven at times for girls who have been lost in the complexities and confusion of life and broken homes.



First of all, there are five of us girls who belong here, anyway. And then there's Mom. That makes six. And then we nearly always have one or a couple more here.



We 5 sisters share a bedroom that is just a little bit over full with the beds and the clothes and the shoes and all of the other girl stuff and projects. When I spread my books across the biggest bed to study, and Liz spreads her scrapbooking stuff across the little bit of bare floor between the beds, it looks ... really full.



Since we have additional girls spending the night here as often as not, we've maximized our bed space. There's a queen bed that sleeps two when it's just us, three or even four (if they are skinny!) when extra girls spend the night. When my trundle bed (under Ruth's day bed - the only "seat" in the room) is pulled out, it touches the queen bed, and it can sleep two in a pinch. Then there is room for one sleeping bag to be laid between the two dressers, with Liz's bed on one end, and the door on the other. Getting up in the night and trying to step over all the sleeping bodies and get to the door is a feat in itself.

We've had three extra "sisters" here this past week. The room was really full some nights. But there were lots of good conversations and lots of laughter after the lights went out.

We talked about humility and rebuilding relationships with parents, about getting along with little siblings, about loving annoying people, about forgiveness, about the hard things in life, about God...

I'm glad that I live in a room crammed full of girls. So full of people that the windows need to be opened in the middle of winter. That sometimes there are tears or laughter through half the night and we don't get much sleep.

My sisters and I have so many memories from our cramped quarters that the bedroom is almost sacred space.
And the lives of many other girls contain a compartment of memories from our room.... Some of them good, some of them horrifying, some of them downright embarrassing!

As much as our room isn't much to see, we pray that life will blossom from the little space. We've lived our real lives in front of them, and they've seen the good, bad, and the ugly. Sometimes we've said far more than was necessary or shocked ourselves with our own selfishness and attitudes. But, I hope that somehow, in the midst of our own shortcomings, they've went on their journey with a few bits of lasting, eternal value that they gained in the infamous "Girls' Room" at our house!

This post is dedicated to Valarie, Melissa, Jessica, Melody, Susanne, Christina, Sarah, Sarah, Carissa, Rachel, Rebekah, and all the rest of you dear "step-sisters" who know far too much about us behind the scenes! :)

Letters - Luxury or Essential?

I used to write long letters - the old-fashioned kind with postage stamps affixed - frequently.
I had cute stationary and fun cards and stickers and photos to include with my newsy letters.

That was back in the day when I went to bed at 10:30 pm and didn't get up till 6 or 7 am. That was back in the day when the only event I had going on for the week was a family outing that was written on the family calendar. That was back in the day when I read books just because I wanted to and not because I couldn't complete the most urgent project without learning this information. That was before I knew how to send an email, and definitely before the days of having 100 emails to reply to in a day.

Going to the mailbox was the highlight of the day. There was almost always a letter waiting there for me, too. It would be full of news, sometimes pictures and newspaper clippings or a tea bag to add to the fun.

These days, I still check the mail box occasionally when I'm home. But usually the only thing addressed to me is junk mail, a catalog, or another bill from the FoMM attorneys... Sometimes I wonder if that means I'm an adult now?

But letters are still ... um, just so deliciously good. I don't really care if it's written on beautiful stationary, or if it's a long newsy email from a friend or cousin who I haven't talked to in a long time. It's just good to hear all about another person's life and loves and battles.

I got one of those yesterday. All nine wonderful pages to be savored and re-read and thought over often... detailing life's struggles and questions, funny anecdotes about people I know that I'm sad to have missed seeing, and a hundred million other things that kept me awake thinking till late last night.

When society is too busy to write letters, we miss out on so much that we don't even know we're missing. A connection with a real human being - a piece of elegant communication to be saved and savored and stuck in a shoe box to be re-read decades down the road.

Barlow Visit!

-

Our "adopted" niece and nephews came to see us over New Year's. They stayed for nearly a week before they had to head back to Nevada. It was delightful to have enough babies for everyone to hold while they were here!

Above: A family picture in the pasture....
When Ellie has baby number five this summer,
she will be the mother of five children, four and under!

Dear little Thaddaeus (1)

Sam takes Adam (4) for a walk!

Mary helps Carolanne (2) make chocolate chip cookies

Noah stole the babies whenever he could! (Above: Thad)

Liz and Carolanne

Isaiah David Phillip was so proud of his little namesake - Isaiah David (7 mos)

Ellie with her little Isaiah

Adam has started the violin. It was so fun to watch him play!

Carolanne is such a little lady. She speaks in this sweet little soft voice and likes to call people "honey" and wear princess dresses. Poor thing has three brothers - we're hoping that number five (due in July) is a sister for Carolanne!

A hayride with the babies, the neighbors, and Sarah and Emily B.
Above: Ellie with Thad and Joanna with Carolanne

Abe with two of his babies

Bedtime was a circus, but oh, so fun!
Here, the three little boys are bedding down with Joanna and Jemima on the living room floor.

Our whole family :)

We spent New Year's Day at the Eldredge's house and
Susanne agreed to take the "U & B" family picture!