Because I'm Unworthy and Bad. That's Why.

At our church before we partake in the Lord's Supper we have a bit of time for quiet reflection of our lives.

I love this time - time to just be quiet and think.

Time to think about my week, my life, my heart.

Time to ask myself,

Do I love God as I should?

Have I lived a life that pleased God this week?

Am I at peace with my fellow man?

Is my heart where it should be?

On some days {like today} I think regretfully over the week.

Sin stains it ugly.

Guilt plagues my heart.

I think of failures to be kind when I should have.

Words - self-centered ones - that I spoke hastily.

Pride wrapping it's tentacles around my heart for months, and I never saw it...

'Til this week when a lady asked me, "But why? Why do you want to do that?"

Welll... And then I caught a glimpse that made me recoil in horror. Why did I want to do that?

Was there any reason other than to impress people?

And other failures.

Annoyances.

Ugly sighs rising up in my heart, even though my Sovereign God was, as usual, on His Throne, ruling all things well in the world.

I stared at my fingers and thought of how unworthy I was.

I felt like a guilty child, wanting to slink away... away from the holiness of this moment ~

a remembrance of a spotless Lamb, of the Christ who always did His Father's will.

And then I remembered. This communion, this remembrance is because I'm bad.

This Holy Sacrifice was made because I AM a sinner, and not even just was a sinner. I am. Still.

Jesus, pleading before His Father on my behalf, not because I've been pleasing this week, but because I've fallen short of glorifying God with my life. That's why I need Him.

As a sinner, I reach forth my hands to take the dry bread, to sip the grape juice....

I do this because I'm not good and I need Jesus. Desperately. Every day.

I do this because GOD is good, and holy and just and perfect.

I do this because He invites me to leave my sin and guilt and start again in the Spirit.

To love, to rejoice, to give thanks, to live to His Glory.

I bow my head, and I partake ~ humbled.

I Shall Wonder That Ever My Eyes Turned Away....

"Looking off unto Jesus," my spirit is blest;

In the world I have turmoil - in Him I have rest;

The sea of my life all about me may roar,

When I look unto Jesus I hear it no more.

Soon, soon shall I know the full beauty and grace

Of Jesus my Lord, when I stand face to face;

I shall know how His love went before me each day,

And wonder that ever my eyes turned away.

~ Verses 2 and 5, sung to the tune of "My Jesus, I Love Thee"

When My Needs Are Worship

It seems that I've had a lot of needs in the past couple of years. Things that send me crying to my Heavenly Father, begging Him for help, for wisdom, for what I need. Sometimes I don't even say what. I just sigh and say, "God, you know..." Some things in my heart are just beyond words.

Sometimes I feel ridiculously needy and wonder to myself, Does anyone else have a heart that wanders as much as mine? Does anyone else find themselves needing the Lord Jesus to change their heart as much as me? Does anyone else beg God for so many things? Does anyone else have so many loved ones with so many big problems that all need prayer?

Sometimes I feel like I should pull myself together and be a triumphant Christian, not such a desperately needy one... One who fails so often. Doesn't God wish that I'd come to Him more often with as a joyfully obedient Godly Christian, instead of being the always-nearly-falling-apart-person? Doesn't He wish that I had more days of smooth sailing, of radiating His Grace and Love? Doesn't He wish I had less of the days where all I can think is, "I need God... so much!" while I stumble through the moments and the problems and struggles and try (and fail) to speak and think as He would have me to?

Several nights ago I was driving home from a long day at the office, tired but happy with a mostly successful day of prenatals behind me. As the miles rolled by and the stars shone overhead, I was listening to the Gospels when the little word "worship" jumped out at me.

Speaking of Jesus: "There came a leper and worshiped Him, saying, 'Lord, if Thou wilt, Thou canst make me clean'! " (Matthew 8:2)

The wretched leper-man didn't come and ask Jesus what he could do to show God's glory to his generation or kneel down and tell Him he would dedicate his life to service in the temple.

He didn't come to Jesus for his friends.

He came for himself.

He came, consumed by his messed up, broken life and his sad heart, living the life an outcast. He wanted his own skin made whole, the ugly stumps of his fingers to work again, to caress someone, to tend vineyards and build houses like other men did. He wanted to walk the streets without calling out, "Unclean! Unclean!" as little children screamed and ran. He wanted life again, not this existence.

He couldn't will away the ugliness that pervaded his life, and maybe his soul.

Was he a bitter man because of what had happened to him?

He came to the only One Who could make his life better.

He came because he thought Jesus could.

Bringing his own needs to Jesus was worship.

Because He came, acknowleging God as the One who could meet His needs!

In all of my beseeching God for wisdom and begging Him for things like knowing what to do with difficult relationships and cars with problems when I'm alone on the road at 2 am; things like keeping babies alive and stopping hemorrhages and dealing with people with severe mental problems; things like not knowing how to interact with certain people and knowing when to say "no" to people that never stop taking and seemingly wasting my time and energy; things like not knowing what to do for or say to friends who are going through horrible things in their marriages and families and homes and churches; things like feeling irritated with people and begging, "Help me to be nice, anyway, God!"; things that are deep in my heart.... aches, hurts, nagging worries...

In all of this asking, I don't tire God?!

He calls it worship?!

He delights in it when I see myself as the mere mortal that I am.

When I come as such, falling down at His feet, broken and hurting and worried and lost,

begging....

because, and only because

He is GOD!

He knows I'm just a broken, messed-up person anyway. We all are, if we'd admit it.

He never thought I was successful or victorious... He knew that I wasn't anything, and all I needed was Him.

When I fall down at His feet and utter, "Help me, Lord! My heart is so wrong today!"

He calls that worship.

Pieces Will Feed a Multitude

If my life is broken when given to Jesus,

it is because pieces will feed a multitude,

while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad.

~ Ruth Stull

A Summer Away From Facebook

I'm sure some of my friends wonder what happened and why I left Facebook for now, after being a prolific Facebook poster for several years. There really wasn't (and isn't) any stunningly huge reason, other than that I simply felt the Lord asking me to do it. It was amazing how simple it was for me to give it up, too. I just said, "Okay, Lord" and actually began looking forward to life without Facebook for awhile.

It started this spring, as the Lord began convicting me of attitudes and habits in my life that didn't please Him. And chief of all sins, was that my habits and ways of wrong thinking didn't bother me enough to change them. I wanted to change them... I'd resolve to do better... but so soon I'd be living the same old busy, self-absorbed, God-forgetting, people-pleasing way.

Which meant that I really wasn't very serious about changing. People who say they're preparing to be professional athletes or musicians and can barely squeeze in a little time each day to practice show by their actions what really matters to them in life. They can say whatever they want to about their desires and goals, but it's obvious to everyone where their priorities lie. So lived I my life.

God brought it up to me over and over. I was miserable - trapped in a life of pressing needs and clamoring noise, knowing I needed God more, but living a barren inner life. How can one give God to others if you aren't full of Him yourself?

My dear sister-in-law gave me a book on Brokenness that I managed to read in snatches over Spring. The Lord used that book to show me how wrong, dead wrong my heart was. I was existing as a Christian, looking like and acting like one to all the world around me, but not living, fully living - drinking at the Springs of Living water, every day, all day any more....

The difference between doing and being something is so vastly huge! I realized that although I still looked and acted much the same outwardly as I did back when my heart was right, inwardly I was withering. I'd lived the Christian life long enough, that I could get up every morning and "do" it... be kind, servant-hearted, cheerful, forgiving... but did I love God with all my heart? Did I crave Him? Did I still know and walk with Him as I used to?

I then spent a few days at a Bible conference, seeking God. He kept peeling back the layers of my heart with every message I heard, every chapter in the Bible that I read, and every time I sought God in prayer. Showing me my heart, probing into the corners... reminding me that He resists the proud but gives grace to the humble and that He is near to the brokenhearted.

Did I really care more about living a life that people agree with and being a person who they like, or did I care most about what God wanted from my life? ...All so elementary, but all so fresh again when your heart is all wrong and you didn't even realize the half of the ugliness of it all!

There was also another situation going on in a friend's life that had been heavy on my heart for months. During this time, God pointed His finger at my heart as the prophet Nathan once did to King David and said, "Thou art the man!" All of the grieving I had done over this dear, dear friend of mine growing cold towards and then leaving her husband and children.... God showed me that she had done it to another sinful human being... but I had done it to Him, my Creator, Redeemer, the Holy, Almighty God. I no longer loved him like I should, not because I had any reason not to love Him, but just because I was busy and full of everything but God. I can rarely remember being so convicted and grieved by my own sin and my own heart as at that moment as I realized that God's words from James 4:4 rang true in my own life: "Ye adulterers and adulteresses...!"

God brought me to a point of desperation to again have a pure heart, a broken and contrite heart before Him, a heart that I wouldn't exchange even a little piece of for anything in all the world or in all of this life.... A heart desperately hungry for God... to love Him, to know Him, to delight in Him, and Him alone!

All of these things I've always said in my head. There's never been a day in the last twenty years, when I haven't thought these things or wanted my relationship with Jesus Christ to be like that.

But living these things is different. It's one thing to resolve to know and love God as He is worthy of. It's an entirely different thing to roll yourself out of bed an hour or two earlier after only a few hours of sleep to seek Him until you find Him, instead of just functioning on fumes. It's one thing to realize that you need God more than anything else in the world. It's an entirely different thing to live that way - to let urgent work pile up and cancel fun events because there is nothing that needs to be done more than to commune with God and listen to His voice.

As the Lord humbled me and crumbled every last little thing that I might have thought I was doing "good" or right, I began to desperately want to bring Him pleasure, and the slightest care about what anyone else thought or approved of faded. It has become one of my goals this year to live for an audience of One - God, and Him alone.

Which brings us to Facebook. Sometimes Facebook makes me feel like I live in a viewing tank with many folks visiting my life and sharing their opinions. It's not all bad, in fact, often it's helpful or nice. My goals for Facebook have always been to encourage and inspire others to seek what matters most in life; to make them think; to be real and honest about myself, and if nothing else, to just make people smile. But, in my quest for seeking the pleasure of an audience of One, I thought that might be easiest without the distraction of other people's commentary on my life or opinions. :)

Facebook hasn't taken up a ton of my time in the last year because I rarely log onto it when I'm on the computer. I usually just Facebook from my Blackberry while I'm waiting in line or elsewhere have 2 minutes with "nothing else to do."

Nothing else, that is... except seek God. He can be sought anywhere. I don't ever see myself having a slow-paced life and easy routine that makes it easy to seek God and spend lots of time in His Word. I don't have slow mornings in my jammies with tea and my Bible. I have 2 am calls from frantic mamas who need me now.... or if I wake up in my own bed in the morning, there's an incredible amount of things to be done around here, like my own mother needing my help. Evenings are no better. Days are non-stop. Sometimes there just are a hundred things that HAVE to be done.

Mothers of little ones find this true. You can't wait to nurse the baby just because you haven't spent some time with the Lord yet. The toddler wakes up at 5:30, crying that he's wet again... and the four year old wakes up throwing up, regardless of whether you've read your Bible or had enough sleep. Sometimes you just have to be a mom. Some days I just have to be a midwife, and a sister and daughter and caregiver....

But above all, I HAVE to seek God. I have to love Him. I have to know Him. I have to live for Him! THAT is the cry of my heart. If my heart is desperate enough, I will seek Him daily and above all else in life!

I plan to come to back to Facebook and I'm not making a lot of other major changes to life... except that regardless of what else happens, I need God.... enough of Him to fill my heart to overflowing, every day. And I intend to live that way!

Forgiven Souls

A few tidbits from J.C. Ryle this morning:

Forgiven souls hate sin.

Remember the woman in Simon's house weeping at Jesus feet over her sin? (Luke 7:38)

Remember how the Ephesians publicly burned their wicked books? (Acts 19:19)

Remember how Paul mourned over his youthful transgressions? (I Cor. 15:9)

Forgiven souls love Christ.

As Jesus said to Simon, "Her sins, which are man, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little." (Luke 7:47)

John 5:23

I Cor. 16:22

Forgiven souls are humble.

Forgiveness produces the spirit of Jacob: "I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies, and all the truth which Thou hast showed unto Thy servant." (Genesis 32:10)

It produces the heart of Hezekiah: "I shall go softly all my years..." (Isaiah 38:15)

And that of the Apostle Paul: "I am less than the least of all saints - chief of sinners." (Ephesians 3:8, I Timothy 1:15)

Forgiven souls are holy.

"What shall I render to the LORD for all His benefits?" (Psalm 116:12)

Zacchaeus pardon made him say, "The half of my goods I give to the poor, and if I have taken anything from any man by false accusation, I restore him four-fold." (Luke 19:8)

Forgiven souls are forgiving.

They endeavour to "Walk in love, as Christ loved them, and gave Himself for them." (Eph. 5:2)

Forgiveness is the way by which every saved soul enters heaven. Forgiveness is the only title by which he remains in heaven. Forgiveness is the eternal song of the with all the redeemed who inhabit heaven. Surely an unforgiving soul in heaven would find his heart completely out of tune.

And lastly, the most important thing - Are you forgiven?

How can you be content to leave it uncertain whether you are forgiven? Surely that a man can make his will, insure his life, given directions about his funeral, and yet leave his soul's affairs in uncertainty, is an astonishing thing indeed.

Jesus calls out, "Come unto Me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

Thousands and tens of thousands have sought for pardon at the mercy seat of Jesus Christ, and not one has ever returned to say that he sought in vain. Sinners of every name and nation - sinners of every sort and description - have knocked at the door of the fold, and none have ever been refused admission. Zacchaeus the extortioner, Mary Magdalen the harlot, Saul the persecutor, Peter the denier of his Lord, the Jews who crucified their Messiah, the idolatrous Athenians, the adulterous Corinthians, the ignorant Africans, the bloodthirsty New Zealanders - all have ventured their souls on Christ's promises of pardon, and none have ever found them fail.

-- J.C. Ryle (1816-1900)

Jesus of the Scars

Jesus of the Scars

If we have never sought you, we seek you now;

Your eyes burn through the dark, our only stars;

We must have sight of thorn-marks on your brow,

We must have you, O Jesus of the scars.

The heavens frighten us; they are too calm;

In all the universe we have no place.

Our wounds are hurting us; where is the balm?

Lord Jesus, by your scars we know your grace.

If, when the doors are shut, you then draw near,

Only reveal those bloodied feet and hands

We know today what wounds are, have no fear;

Show us your scars, we know you understand

The other gods were strong; but you were weak;

They rode, but Jesus stumbled to a throne;

But to our wounds only God’s wounds can speak,

And not a god has wounds, but You alone.

Edward Shillito

What Does Holiness Look Like?

While I'm on a posting binge, some thoughts of mine from a few months ago:

We pray for holiness and revival in our lives.

And yet we don't know what it is we are asking for.

Holiness is not a sudden state of being; a confident feeling of glory, an overwhelming knowledge of the Presence of God. Holiness is simply being LIKE GOD.

And where shall we go to find out how to be like God? We ought to go to God Incarnate, walking about the earth in our frail and limited human form and watch what holiness is and what holiness does when the sinner presses in, when the sick and needy reach out to touch, when the hypocrites sit round, and then what Holiness does when the multitudes depart.

Read the gospels and you will see holiness in human form in action. You cannot yet be like the glorified God who sits in the heavens. Your life will not look like His. But your life should look like Jesus of Nazareth moment by moment as you live in holiness.

I Wonder What Jesus Did?

I've GOT to spend more time soaking up and savoring the Words of God for my life....

But how? People matter. God loves people. Even when Jesus tried to escape the multitudes and they found Him and asked Him to help, he stopped and helped. He touched the sick ones and he made them well. He fed the hungry ones. He taught them. He loved them. He never rebuked them for coming to Him or told them to go away and stop thronging him.

My life is consumed by people. People call me all day long. People send me sometimes hundreds of emails in day. There's no way I can reply to all of them. People stop by the house constantly. People, people, people... My life is filled with serving the needs of people, and on the side, trying to voluntarily show love to a few who haven't asked.

I don't know what to do. I wish I did. I love people and I love serving people. People have done so much for me. I'm so grateful for all of the people in my life.

But... I still don't know what to do.

I imagine this is how mothers of little children feel. The constant needs, around the clock....

I wonder how Jesus felt. I wonder how He decided when to reach out and heal one more sick person when He was trying to leave to go somewhere and pray? I wonder what He thought when He went to the other side of the sea and all of the people showed up there and wanted Him?

Late Night Internet

I rarely get online anymore. It's sad and it's wonderful. After 5 years of spending 2-6 hours a night frantically replying to emails, my life is very different to say the least.

I used to have days at home more frequently when I could spend the whole morning and/or afternoon working through my crammed inboxes, and even squeezing in a bit of "fun stuff" (blogging and Facebooking). And when I didn't have time to catch up online during the day, I'd just miss part of my night of sleep "because things needed to get done" and emails desperately needed replies!

All of those possibilities changed when my family decided to go without internet for awhile as an experiment. That meant my only chances to get online were to run into our little town while the library was open between 9 and 5. (It's not like we live near a town big enough for places like Panera Bread... ) But I'm usually gone doing prenatal and postpartum visits and other work-related stuff from 8 am all the way til.... well, often late in the evening.

Thankfully, I had switched from a cell phone to a Blackberry at the beginning of this year, so checking messages, updating my Facebook status and basic tasks are possible, even when other internet doesn't exist. But, typing long messages is laborious and takes a long, long time on that poor little key pad. And blogging is definitely not possible. I could tether my Blackberry to my laptop, but the cellular service at our place happens to be so poor that it would take forever to load a page.

All this to say, internet is scarce and so is my time to get online. So emails pile up and don't get answered. People re-send them and ask if I received them. Sometimes the length of time it takes me to reply to a client or send them the forms or documents they've asked for is really unprofessional. Blogging certainly doesn't happen. Sigh. Every time I look at my inbox at the hundreds and hundreds of flagged emails and the hundreds and hundreds of unread emails that I DO need to read, I feel despondency welling up in me. I used to wonder how I would ever catch up answering the really important ones? Now I know that will never happen. Perhaps, I dream to myself, I can just keep up with the important ones that are coming in. Well, that doesn't come close to happening, either.

So... I look unprofessional, and important things never receive replies and I miss lots of good opportunities because I didn't even have time to read the email. Blogging doesn't happen.

But life goes on. I keep paddling and paddling, trying to keep my head above water as I catch babies. I love my life. It's just a little too much sometimes!

I was hoping that being offline for the most part would mean more time to spend in quiet, in reading God's Word, and just listening to His Voice. Unfortunately, my midwifery life has become so busy that my time with God has suffered greatly in recent months. I am determined to find a way to make that possible.... quantity, quality time with Jesus.

So, I may be blogging less, because I'm spending my time in the Word when I find a few moments to sneak away into quiet. Or maybe I'll blog a couple of good posts a month because I've actually sat with my journal and Bible for hours and I have stuff that I just have to share. I don't know. But whatever the case, Jesus is what I want and need. And I am pursuing Him, even if the emails pile up worse than ever, and this blog doesn't get touched til next year!

Accused of Trusting God

Just had to re-post from a friend, Jonathan Smith's Facebook status tonight:

"Christ, while on the cross, was 'accused' of 'trusting God.'
May I live such that I might be accused of the same."

(Mat 27:42) "He saved others; he cannot save himself. He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him.

(Mat 27:43) He trusts in God; let God deliver him now, if he desires him. For he said, 'I am the Son of God.'"

Forgiveness That Wasn't There

To heal a hate
takes grace
that isn't. There
is churning hurt
and bitterness
- and black despair.
No love. No grace.
No power to choose.
I heard a stillness.
Then
I felt a face.
His searching eyes
held mine
and would not turn me loose.
then through hot tears
I saw and understood:
He hung cross high,
a spear was in my hand
that dripped with blood,
a helmet on my head.

I watched Him die;
but just before, He said,
"Forgive them for
they know not what
they do" . . .
then He was dead.
Slowly I raised my head:
the clouds were unarranged,
the sky was fair,
the warm sun shone,
nothing had changed:
the hurt was still there
only. . .
the hate was gone.

- Ruth Bell Graham, Collected Poems


Ruth Bell Graham's Collected Poems has become one of my treasured favorite volumes to read again and again. You ought to order yourself a copy. I promise it will be well worth it! :)
http://www.amazon.com/Ruth-Bell-Grahams-Collected-Poems/dp/0801011388/

Coming For A Life of Gathering Gloom

Myrrh is mine; its bitter perfume
Breathes a life of gathering gloom:
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying,
Sealed in the stone-cold tomb.

- We Three Kings of Orient Are, verse 4

As we sang "We Three Kings of Orient Are" in church today, this verse of the hymn hit me like never before. Usually, everyone focuses on the joy of Christ's birth - wonder, beauty, peace on earth, joy... these are all words we hear at Christmas time and hear in the carols we sing. We coo over the babe in the manger, the beauty of the scene in the little stable of Bethlehem.

We sing, "Joy to the World. " Certainly, Christ's coming to the world - God with us, in human flesh - was the most wonderful, joyous thing that had ever happened to the world since it began. It was joy - for us. Miserable, sin-sick creatures that had a God and Creator willing to stoop to their level...

But on Christ's part, coming to earth was for the purpose of death, ugliness, to become the vilest thing known to man as He "became sin" and "became us" that we might be made the righteousness of God.

May we continue to rejoice that Christ came to earth for us - the wonder that God should die for me! - but may we ever be mindful that He came not just to bring joy and warmness to hearts of shepherds, but that he actually came to become the vilest of sin that we might have peace with God.

May we live with that perspective. Enough people live carelessly. Enough people abuse the grace of God. May I be one that does more than marvel at a Holy Babe in a manger. May I marvel at the Righteousness and perfect Justice of my God and live my life accordingly.