On Singleness ~ All That Really Matters

My little sister, Joanna, in the hayfield

I wrote this blog post a few months ago, and then never posted it. Tonight, as I was looking through some of my old drafts that I never quite dared to hit "publish" on, I decided to go ahead. I hope it blesses someone. :)

Today's been a day of reflection. I spent most of it out in the sun, making a garden for a dear friend. I loved soaking up the sun, the wind, the fresh air, the dirt between my fingers, the little green leaves popping out of the tree branches above my head. We knelt beside the garden, pulled weeds, shook dirt out of clods of sod, and hauled buckets of compost. We talked about all the things we used to be... the innocent little girls we were who wanted to get married at eighteen.

The girls we are now. . .

She'd rather be playing with her baby and cleaning her house, she said. But instead she has to work. That wasn't the mommyhood she had planned for herself as a teenager.

As for me, nothing has turned out to be the way I thought it would be.

But my life isn't bad. It's just not what I wanted. Or what I thought I wanted.

I wanted to have a whole passel of kids by now.... a husband with the world to conquer and me behind him to help him do it.

But does it really matter? I have God.

Is God sovereign? Yes.

Does God love me? Yes.

Does God glorify Himself through our lives, rough and crooked though they are? Yes.

Is He glorified in me?

That I ask myself today.... Is He?

That's all that really matters.

If I am what God wants...

If I am the daughter He made for His own pleasure, may I bring Him pleasure.

May my life, "pleasing or painful, dark or bright, as best may seem to Thee..."

be a symphony of praise, a ray of God's glory, a beacon of the Hope that lies ahead.

May I care more if God is glorified through my life of aloneness than I care that I am alone.

May I care more if God is pleased, than if I am pleased with what He gave me.

May I be pleased with what He gave me.

"There failed not ought of any good thing which the Lord had spoken unto the house of Israel; all came to pass." Joshua 21:45

The God Who Rules ALL Things Well

I'm so glad God sends me tokens of His love.

Sometimes it's just peace, complete peace, when a situation is rearing it's ugly head and threatening to destroy what I love most.

John Wesley said it well when he said, "I see God as sitting upon His throne, ruling all things well."

I've repeated that to myself so many times this week. And it reminds me to believe it that, YES, God IS on His throne, and He is ruling ALL things well!

Then there are other things - things that I thought would never work out so well, and they have. They remind me again, "Oh, ye of little faith! Why did you doubt?!"

Why do I not believe the Sovereign God to order all things well in my life and in the lives of those around me?

Why do I fret... worry about stuff that seems to big and awful to me, and yet seems so little and simple to God?

This is probably the five-hundredth time I've had to learn this lesson. I don't know why I forget so quickly. But I'm glad God never stops reminding me: "See, Mary? I'm God. I can take care of this."

Yes, Lord. You can do all things. I know that you can...

Because God Knew

There's nothing quite like the moments when God shows you why He did something.

I've had a lot of those moments in the past three days.

Matter of fact, in the last three days, I've welled up with gratefulness on different occasions for every single really hard thing that happened to me in the past year.

Really? All of it? Everything? Genuinely grateful?

Yes.

On Monday, I was dealing with a client and suddenly I was so grateful for what God has taught me over the past year through one of my sibling's major struggles that has affected our whole family hugely. My heart filled with compassion for this girl and the struggles she's gone through. Knowing her issues made me realize how big and scary her problems could become in pregnancy. Normally, I would be hesitant to work with a client who would be unpredictable and volatile and potentially extremely difficult to work with. But, instead... I understood. I knew what to expect. I wanted to love THIS girl and give her a chance. I thanked God that I felt compassion for her because I've watched my own sibling struggle through the same issues.

I had this strange sense of gladness that I knew and I understood and I cared deeply. I would have tried to know and understand and care in the past, but I couldn't have. Because I really didn't know. I do now. Without even thinking, I breathed a little thank you to God that I was no longer another one of those people who really didn't and couldn't understand this. I breathed a thank you that I DO understand it now.

Monday night I received a phone call from a crying mommy. As I calmly told her what to do, step-by-step, I remembered a frantic evening last winter when the same thing that had happened to her baby had happened to me. I had made some frantic middle-of-the-night calls to experts who had given me wonderful advice. I passed the advice that had worked so well for me on to the mommy and thought, "For the first time ever, I'm so glad that happened to me last winter!" I never thought I'd know why that happened. Suddenly, I imagined all of the many times I may be so grateful for that knowledge over the course of my life. And I only have it because I lived it. Thank you, God!

So, I was grateful for those things.

But something else that happened last year? I have managed to thank God for it many times because through the hurt and disappointment and bitterness of the whole situation, God plowed up the "fallow ground" of my heart and dug deep into my soul. I've thanked Him for using it in my life to make me grow; to take away the stagnant places. But, ever had a just deep grateful, from the bottom of my heart, "You knew what you were doing, God!" well up in me before? No.

Today I did. Someone I love deeply is in almost the same exact situation. Except, well a few things are different, in a not-good way. I wanted to tell those dear people what I was thinking and hope they'd listen. But I knew I would be dismissed as not understanding. Or would I?

I actually know exactly what is being felt and thought. I can speak to the heart-wrenching hurt because I lived it. I can. I can.

I can.

Because God knew what He was doing in my life last year.

My mom, the dearest person on earth to me, was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer at the beginning of April. She was given a year to live. Now, of course, only God knows our days and the time that she has. But, there are days when the possibility of her soon being gone - my mommy - forever gone from earth and my life - are just too much. It seems a little surreal.... surely that's not really going to happen... now? My mother... never see me get married? My mom never be the person I can call when I'm a mom who needs advice...? Really??

On days when I want to run away and cry instead of go to the next prenatal or just pretend it isn't true, I am stilled to remember that

God has known what He was doing every day of the good life that He has given me.

God knows what He is doing with every day of my life that stretches out into the future.

He knows!

He knows!

"The King's Heart Is Good!"

God's so good.

He's so good to me.

He keeps reminding me of that.

And He keeps reminding me that He really does have my best interest in mind.

All the time. In everything.

Yes. Somehow. Always.

When I Don't Know What My Heart Needs

"God is beyond good to bless our lives with children!

When we don't know what our hearts need, He does!! All we have to do is let Him bless us. :-) "

-- The words of a long-time family friend,

a mommy of 14 children,

writing about her youngest child turning three.

"When we don't know what our hearts need, He does!!"

So true. So true.

2010 was a year of me not knowing what my heart needed, but God was kind enough to give me what my heart needed.

Lots of pain, lots of stretching, lots of disappointment... but He stirred up the stagnant places and the places that had grown hard and selfish and dead and just full of myself.

He broke my heart so I could be tender and compassionate instead of proud and "together".

He disappointed my fondest hopes so that I could learn to love Him more than life itself.

He led me through the fire so that I could learn what really matters and what doesn't matter at all in life - this one, and the one to come.

He gave me Himself, and His tenderness, and His nearness and compassion so that I could learn to love Him and Him alone. So that I could see that really nothing else matters much in comparison to clinging to Jesus.

He said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall SEE GOD!"

That is one of my goals for this year. To have a pure heart. Not because I can make myself have a pure heart, or even see what is ugly and defiled in my heart (I'm so blind to my own sin so often).

But it is my goal to let the Lord Jesus form in me a pure heart - a heart with a single eye, a single master, a single vision, by yielding to His Hands in my life, even when they hurt. For He knows what my heart needs, even when I don't.

I love Him for that.

People I Can Tell "the Sad" To...

I was sitting at one of the tables with a dear, dear friend. I've known her for a long time. But I've come to love her even so much more in the last year as we've went through some of the same struggles together.

People all around us were chattering, laughing, catching up with old friends, meeting new ones. Both my friend and I knew quite a few of the people milling about the room. So, we leaned close and she lowered her voice. She was telling me about her day, her week.. the real one. Not the, "Oh, I'm fine" one. It had been emotional, draining, exhausting. Things had happened at work. Almost the same thing that had happened to me two years ago at my work. The medical field is hard... sometimes hard things happen. Then she'd seen someone she had loved and lost. It was awkward. It was hard, she explained. I nodded. Totally understand the feeling of tears welling up, things you wanted to say and yet didn't or couldn't, biting your lip, leaving... wishing that somehow that chapter of your life could have gone on, wishing you could forget it, wishing it wasn't, wishing it still was... Suddenly, I was lost in her world, feeling the pain of what had happened at work, what had happened at the Christmas party...

She apologized for only having negative things to talk about. "But that was your life this week," I insisted. "I wanted to hear about your real life... what's really happening! I didn't want to hear about the pretend life where everything is fine with you."

She might have thought it was depressing, but it reminded me that someone else walking the road of life has had the same experiences as I have. And if I told her about what happened to me at work two years ago, she'd really, truly understand. She'd grasp the enormity with which it left me reeling and unsure of myself for a long time.... I loved just knowing that somebody in the world would understand if I explained. Maybe I'll tell her about it someday. There's not many other people that would know what to say.

The other day one of my friends sent me a email, telling me her problems and how everything in her life seemed to be falling apart right now. How to hold it together, how to go on being a Christian, being a wife, being a mom, doing the additional things that she and her husband are sure God has called them to do, being so much else that she is.... that was the big, unanswered question. How? It wasn't working for her. She couldn't go on living this way. She was feeling suffocated and like few people even cared if it happened to her. She ended her message with, "I'm sorry this is all sad. But thanks for being a real friend that I can tell the sad to... I don't tell many people."

I've had plenty of the "the sad" this year. In several completely different areas of life. I can relate to the "I don't tell many people." Who is there to tell? About some of it ~ sure. But other things few people can relate to or need to know.

I certainly don't want to depress the rest of the world with the sad. Who wants to know while they're in labor or nursing their 3 day old baby that their midwife's life has been awful this week? Or sweet little girls that come up to me after church and hug me and ask me how I am... Of course I'm "doing good" ~ because God is always good. Is there any reason to try to explain to them why I tried not to cry through church, even though I almost never cry... before this year? I can smile. I will smile. I will go on living life and being grateful, because there are far more things to be happy about than there are things to be sad about.

Then there were other friends that I tried to explain some of "the sad" to, and the responses I received felt anything but compassionate or understanding. Sometimes that was good for me... to remember that regardless of how I feel or who has any idea of what "I need" or what a wreck my heart may be at that moment, my actions and responses must be out of love, not ungrateful reactions because all I was seeking was to have my own needs met.

And then there was the friend who said, "Let's go to the park. I'll bring a whole box of Kleenex and let's just sit there all afternoon. You can tell me the whole story."

Or the friend who texted me nearly every day for months on end to say, "How's your heart today, Mary?" and sent me cards. I knew she hurt with me. Because she was hurting in the same way herself. And I got to text her every day, too, and say, "How's yours? God is still good!"

And the midwife who I didn't know even knew what all was going on in my life and family who handed me a little envelope one day after a midwives meeting. When I had a chance to open it and look at the little piece of folded paper, torn out of one of her notebooks, it read, "Mary, it's well past 2 am, and I just can't stop thinking of you... I have no idea why your life had to hurt so much in so many ways this year. But I love you, and I cry for you and I pray for you..." I had no idea she even knew all of it. She must have known more than I thought she did. I cried and stuck the little note in my purse. And I found it the other day and stared at it with tears welling up in my eyes all over again to know that she knew and she cared.

And today. I stumbled across someone's Picasa album of photos online. I spent way too long looking, and remembering. Thinking about it consumed the rest of my day. 'Twas one of those things that very few people would understand. But God does.

And I talked to my little sister and she told me about her own heartaches while she washed dishes and I made cinnamon rolls tonight.

Cinnamon rolls because tomorrow another sister is coming over for brunch. Because tomorrow (well, I guess today now... I'm typing this well after midnight) was the due date for the first niece and grandchild in the family. A due date for a little girl who was already born months ago. All the traces left are the little metal marker pushed into the pile of clay and sod at the graveyard down the road and a few blankets and clothes we dressed her in after she was gone. Christine. She would have been being born, a chubby 7 or 8 pounds right about now. Our baby girl, just in time for Christmas. But she came in August. We're glad she came at all. We're glad Josh and Jemima had a little girl and that she still lives... in heaven!

And I think about my friend's email, "I don't tell many people the sad. Thanks for listening." I haven't had a chance to reply yet. But I'm glad she can tell me the sad. Because I do feel for her, and I pray for her.

And I'm glad I have a few friends who I can tell the sad to, who don't try to make it all better. They just put their arm around me and sit there with me.

And I'm glad I have sisters who say, "I'm glad we can talk to each other, even if nobody outside of our family would even understand this."

And I'm glad I have a mother who senses when I come home from a long day of prenatals with so much more than prenatals on my mind and says, "I found this verse today that I thought was just for you: 'O the depth of the riches of both the wisdom and knowlege of God! How unsearchable are His judgements and His ways past finding out.' " (Romans 11:33) Yes, Mama... You're right. God is wise, and He's always right. I can trust Him.

And I'm glad I have a dad who calls me when I have a long drive home just to see if I'm staying awake and to say, "Drive safe! I love you!"

And I'm glad I have a brother who's had his own share of struggles this year who comes home once in awhile and says, "I know it's midnight, but ya wanna walk a few miles and talk?"

And I'm glad for the other people in my life who care and hurt and pray with me. And people who love me enough to tell me when my responses to what life brings aren't Christ-like.

Most of all, I'm glad that Jesus knows and interceeds on my behalf before the Throne of Grace. Somedays even the nicest and best people in the world don't understand or they don't know and it wouldn't be right to burden their day with my heartaches.

But God wants to hear them from me. Psalms is mostly the troubled heart of David being poured out honestly before God - exalting God rightfully, but not hiding his hurt and confusion and longings.

It's not like God doesn't already know every thought on my mind. It's just that He wants ME to remember that HE is the Source of my life and HE is the reason I get up and go on and again and again and HE is bright Hope for the future! He waits for me to come tell Him about my joys and sorrows.

He delights to show me that He loves me by sending little boys with smushed fistfuls of weeds to my car with adoring little sisters by their sides who say, "Miss Mary, you look lobely today!" when I show up to do a home prenatal visit.

Or when I catch a snatch of the song my sister is singing at the kitchen sink: "ALL I have needed, Thy Hand hath provided... GREAT is Thy Faithfulness, Lord, unto ME!!" Or when I dig through my pile of mail (bills) and discover a card from a dear friend telling me she's praying for me.

An Unshakable God

"Faith is not believing in my own unshakable belief.
Faith is believing an unshakable God
when everything in me trembles and quakes."
-Beth Moore

The God Who Is Enough

This past month has brought many challenges, struggles and questions in my life, which I cannot detail on a public blog, some of which simply raged privately in my own heart.

Some of the situations were ones that I had never imagined having to deal with. But here I was - things, people, decisions, situations staring me in the face.

I have found myself in a place of desperation over and over, my heart pounding, my stomach in knot. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I fail? What if I respond wrongly to this situation? What if I mistake God's will? Have I got myself in this place because of my own selfish or prideful choices? What will God do with this situation? How? What if I have foolishly ruined my testimony?

Time and again I have found myself in a place where I didn't know what to do. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't even walk on till I knew which way to walk.

Time and again, I have cried out to God in desperation... for answers, solutions, wisdom.

And I have found in Him just what I need. I have watched him turn situations around that I thought only had a couple of bad options. Instead He came through with a glorious miracle. And I have stood back in utter amazement that God truly can create beauty from ashes, not only in my life and heart, but in those around me. I have been shocked to see the work of God in the hearts of people that seemed impossible to reach.

A few weeks ago, I was begging God to deal with a situation and give me answers. And it dawned on me, that God might fix it in a way that would be more painful that I would ever want to imagine. I finally came to a place of surrendering it to God, and asking him to fix it no matter what the cost. I thought of David's response in II Samuel Chapter 24 when God offered him a choice of three punishments for his disobedience in numbering the people of Israel. David asked God to choose, saying that he knew that God was merciful. I, too, chose to fall on God's mercy and asked him to resolve it however He must, only to show me what to do. And God solved the seemingly gigantic problem with such a simple and beautiful solution that I was stunned. Again, the goodness of God, evident in my life.

A couple days ago, I received a shocking and horrible phone call in a very public place. Once again, my stomach in a knot, fighting tears, I could do nothing but cry out silently to my Heavenly Father once again. He has been my Rock. He has been Enough all of my life. I felt anything but peace about what the future could bring. But as my wild emotions churned inside, God gently whispered, "Have you forgotten what I have done for you already this month? Can I not solve this as easily as the other problems you have faced?"

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Ps. 23: 1-3

Though cold, dark winds are blowing through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I fear no evil. I have never been in greener pastures than these. Never before have I seen my Shepherd's Hand on my life so keenly. I will walk on where He leads.

I Rest My Weary Soul in Thee

Jemima, one of the best energy-givers in the whole world!

O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thy ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Light that followest all my way,
I yield my flick'ring torch to Thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in Thy sunshine's glow its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee;
I trace the rainbow thro' the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to hide from thee;
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

George Matheson

This hymn has been on my mind all week.

I often think of my actions in terms of, "Am I being an 'energy giver' or an 'energy taker'?"

Obviously, I want to be someone who is an energy giver, someone who gives more than I take, someone who leaves others feeling refreshed, lifted up, inspired, and re-energized rather than drained, exhausted, or grumpy! I don't know how successful I am all time, but I try.

I'm sure everyone has someone in their life who always calls or comes over to tell them about all of their problems and how bad they feel or they always need something done for them. I've certainly known people like that.... and just dread answering the phone when I see it's them again - those energy takers. I hate to think of anyone feeling that way about me, so I try not to be!
Even just yesterday, I was feeling exhausted and burnt out, trying to continue to give, when I felt like I had nothing left and it was torture to do the next thing cheerfully as all those around me were complaining that others should be pitching in and helping more. I was running on almost no sleep, and the day wasn't working out the way it was supposed to. I had a lot that I wanted to say about how they had nothing to complain about compared to the long hours I had put in on their behalf, but I bit my tongue and reminded myself, "Be an energy giver! Don't join their pity party!"

It was hard, and I drove home frustrated, thinking about the fact that you can't always give and give and give.... Or can you? The world says that you must take time for yourself if you don't want to burn out, experience depression, etc. I FELT like something was going to snap. I can't live like this forever, I told myself....

Once again, this hymn came to mind.

In thinking it over, I decided that it IS possible to be an energy giver to others at all times! I don't need to "take a little for me/look out for myself" on occasion to keep myself going, because I have JESUS to rest my weary soul upon. Instead of telling them how unfair life is to me, I should open my aching heart to my Savior.

I have to worry about depressing other people with my weariness and problems when I decide to take instead of give. But I NEVER have to worry about exhausting the endless resources of a Sovereign God!

He is ever faithful.
When my light flickers, I can yield it to Him.
When weariness of soul and body threatens to overcome me, I can lean upon Him.
When I feel completely devoid of any good thing, any good attitudes, any joy, I can go to my precious Lord, and there I will find every good thing to fill my heart and mind.
When I cannot love, I can let Him love through my hands and mouth and feet.

When I cannot, He CAN!

If God Should Open the Windows of Heaven

(Setting: The great Samarian famine, with Syria's army starving everyone inside the city.)
" ...Elisha said, Hear ye the word of the Lord; Thus saith the Lord, tomorrow about this time shall a measure of fine flour be sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria. Then a lord on whose hand the king leaned answered the man of God, and said, Behold if the Lord would make windows in heaven, might this thing be?"
II Kings 7: 1-2

A few days ago I found myself sitting at my desk with a huge bill staring me in the face.
To some people it may have seemed small, but to me it was HUGE - in the tens of thousands of dollars.

It wasn't exactly all mine personally to pay, as it was the legal expenses for the cause I had been working on and directing, yet it was sort of my responsibility to find the resources to pay it, by default... because no one else was doing so.

A sickening feeling gripped me for several days as I thought of the possibilities of NOT having the money to pay the bill. I kept reminding myself, "God knows. He can pay it. It's not a big deal to Him if he wants it paid. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills." But the knot in my stomach wouldn't go away, as the visible and tangible seemed so much more real than faith that somehow, out of somewhere, thousands and thousands of dollars would appear.

I asked friends to pray about it. Most of them smiled and remarked, "That's a lot of money. Okay, I'll pray about it." But they all seemed to have forgotten within five minutes. My family was sympathetic, but again, it wasn't their burden.

It was mine. I was responsible, and in moments like these, responsibility can be a harsh master. I could think of nothing else some days (and nights). How, how, how would we come up with the money? I expected supporters to send money, but they didn't send hardly anything. I tried to have faith that money would appear, but it didn't. I told myself again and again that God is always on time, but seldom early. As the deadline was a couple of days away, I couldn't pretend it was going to be "okay", because owing a huge bill like this certainly couldn't be ignored.

I continued to pray for God's will to be done. I asked him to show Himself strong and glorify His name through providing what was needed. But at the same time, I was surrendered. Maybe He had a lesson to teach me through NOT sending the money. I had no idea what I would do if that was the case, but worrying about it wasn't helping.

The bill was due Monday morning of this week. Sunday I had much of the day to think and pray as I was driving home from a weekend event. (I had suggested to the Lord that He could provide the money there over the weekend, but I wasn't handed even an unexpected two dollars....)

As I drove, I alternated radio sermons with silence. One preacher talked about the great resources of God and how God will never budget Himself out of providing for anything that He wants done. I grabbed onto that thought. I could, I must believe that. If God wanted this done, He would pay for it. And he wouldn't cut Himself short or not come up with quite enough money.

Sunday night I was supposed to hear back from one potential donor if they had decided to donate part of the needed sum. Their answer was that they hadn't made up their mind about giving any money.

Monday morning dawned. God??

I suddenly felt strangely confident that this was God's job, not mine. It was beyond my greatest abilities to make anything happen. It was beyond me devising some great new strategy for raising the needed money. It was beyond me convincing someone to give. It was something that only God could accomplish. I knew I had been faithful in working on what I could do. All I could do was step back and wait for Him to work.

An hour passed. No word from anyone. Another hour.

I met a good friend for breakfast who asked how things were going. I told her about the bill, knowing she had no money and couldn't do anything about it. Her eyes bulged out. "You need HOW MUCH MONEY?!? I thought I had a big problem, thinking about coming up with $14,000 for nursing school by next year! And you have $75,000 to come up with really soon?! And you need $25,000 of it by noon today?!"
I nodded and smiled. She seemed to think I was crazy to be so calm about it. The need was so ridiculously huge that a smile did seem out of place.

About two hours later, I received a text message - "We have just received all of the $25,000 for today's bill, with about an extra $4000 that was just donated towards the upcoming bill."

I smiled. God HAD opened the windows of heaven. I knew He could. He had just proved Himself once again, and yes, He's always on time, but seldom early.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.